Mervyn King is an emo

BANK of England chief Mervyn King likes alternative rock and spiked wristbands, it has emerged.

King confessed to being an ’emo’ after his latest bleak, depressive pronouncements on the state of the UK economy.

He said: “I’ve always felt like an outsider. Throughout my career, from being a professor at the London School of Economics to running the Bank of England, I never really fitted in.

“It was Ben Bernanke who actually introduced me to a band called My Chemical Romance.

“We were at a party for some government thing, I was like, ‘this is shit’, and Ben Bernanke said, ‘fuck these fake idiots, I’ve got a bottle of cheap vodka, and some music I want to play you, let’s go and sit in a bedroom.’

“He played me this track called Welcome To The Black Parade, it just blew me away.

“I was like, this is how economics makes me feel – like everything’s basically fucked and there’s no hope any more, that the only beauty lies in sorrow.”

17-year-old emo Stephen Malley said: “I really love Meryn’s work, especially the ‘triple dip’ stuff, it’s just so bleak and profound.

“I saw him once in a club, dancing to Embrace with his glasses off.”



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'Third class' rail carriage inspired by Hell

RAIL bosses have used ancient depictions of Hell as inspiration for a new tier of train service.

The Hell-themed ‘third class’ carriage will have no windows, reek of brimstone and be lit only by sporadic fires.

Naked, weeping passengers are crammed in until immobile, then mercilessly harangued by trident-wielding staff dressed as gargoyles.

Although travel executives deny that the so-called ‘third class’ would be inferior to second class, preferring to call it ‘Mega-Saver Leisure Class’, they admitted studying old pictures showing the fate of sinners.

Rail executive Nathan Muir said: “The original concept for this came from a stained glass window.

“It showed a compacted sea of lost souls, screaming hopelessly while enduring all manner of suffering. I thought ‘that looks efficient’.'”

“I went to the library and got out Dante’s Inferno and googled Hieronymous Bosch’s painting The Garden of Earthly Delights, where there are demons eating people then shitting them out alive – that could work for the refectory car.”

Rail traveller Tom Logan said: “If it’s actually going to arrive on time without massive signal failures, I think it sounds fine.

“I commute to work so the real hell begins on my arrival.”