Missus In Right Old Tiz Over Bit Of Fun With Dolly Birds

TV presenter Vernon Kaye's missus shouldn't get her knickers in a twist over a bit of saucy fun, Seventies experts said last night.

Her indoors is threatening to give the celebrity host a right rollicking after he admitted sending sexy messages to a bevy of busty lovelies.

But now boffins have claimed it is becoming increasingly difficult for ordinary celebrities to get a bit of the other, especially after that coloured golfer was caught going at it with a load of slags.

Reginald Varney, professor of 1970s gender issues at Reading University, stressed that old Mrs Kaye should blooming well leave it out.

He said: "He works bloody hard and the last thing he needs is her going on at him when he gets home. He's got enough to deal with, what with all them bloody immigrants and a Labour government that doesn't know its arse from its elbow."

Professor Varney said that after studying pictures of the fruity crumpet he was forced to make a fist and repeatedly bend his arm at the elbow.

He added: "I don't know much about text messaging, but I know a corking pair of charlies when I see them. Cor blimey, me glasses have steamed up."

However Professor Varney's colleague, Dr Robin Askwith, was more equivocal, insisting Kaye should treat his missus to some perfume and a scampi dinner and admit that he has been a right plonker and no mistake.

He added: "Mind you, if she keeps on about it after that he's quite within his rights to give her a slap. Just a little one though – don't want to upset Mrs Harman and her lezzy pals."


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School Bans Ugly Children

A VILLAGE primary school has saved Valentine's Day by giving its ugliest pupils the day off.

St Brian's Church of England School, near Grantham, was faced with having to ban children from exchanging cards in case the mutant offspring of local poor people took offence and set fire to the building.

Headmistress Mary Fisher said: "I'd say about half of our children are too ugly to get a Valentine's Card.

"In fact four of them are so ugly they don't even get Christmas presents, while one of them is kept in a dog crate and taken round local villages at harvest time. People pay 20p to feed it a parsnip.

"Anyway, that leaves 62 children that we have deemed attractive enough not to be disappointed, though we have asked three of the girls to do something a bit different with their hair."

She added: "I didn't want to be one of those moron headteachers who bans Valentine's Day and ends up being branded as 'Britain's most dangerous lesbian' by the Daily Mail.

"But at the same time I did not want to be standing in the middle of a smouldering ruin surrounded by angry mutants.

"At least this way my good looking pupils get some quality time together and the freaks get a long weekend of chasing chickens around the farmyard and rubbing shit into their hair."

Mrs Fisher stressed she did not want to stigmatise the malformed children, insisting they had no control over which itinerant farm labourer their mother gave it up to in a pub toilet.

She said: "They can be absolutely lovely as long as you don't let them see how disturbed you are by their wonky features.

"Yes, it is a shame but I've learned to cope with it."