National service re-introduced for Youtubers

COMPULSORY military service has been brought back for young people who have a large following on YouTube.

Joe Sugg, Jake Boys and something called ’Nick and Sammy’ are among the conscripts who will face five years of gruelling assault courses, night marches and crawling through underwater tunnels while burly men shout at them until they weep.

A government spokesman said: “What do these YouTubers do? Sit on the end of their beds and exclaim ‘Oh my GOD!’ while the corporate sponsorship rolls in. Their mindless enthusiasm needs to be tempered by suffering.

“Zella may be excellent at applying make-up but let’s see how she is at polishing boots while experiencing extreme sleep deprivation.”

46-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “It’s like how my father used to talk about how Boy George should be made to do National Service. Now that I am old and bitter myself, I can see that he was right.

“With these YouTubers, you can’t tell the boys from the girls. Well, you can, easily, but my point still stands.”


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Hinkley Point nuclear plant to go-ahead because 'it's only near Bristol'

BUILDING a nuclear power station at Hinkley Point is fine because if anything should go wrong it only affects Bristol, it has been confirmed. 

The power station, a new design built by the Chinese to see if it works properly before they build any at home, has a 15 per cent risk of catastrophic meltdown but only a 0.0015 per cent risk of harming anyone who would be greatly missed. 

A government spokesman said: “Nuclear materials can make areas uninhabitable for decades – even centuries – to come, which is why we have sited this potential disaster next to a major city of middle-aged men in Supreme baseball caps and kindly-yet-hopeless trustafarian couples pursuing doomed puppet-related art projects. 

“Even in the event of a full meltdown, we’d only lose Minehead Butlins. If we time it for a Back To The 80s weekender we’d get rid of Tight Fit into the bargain.” 

Bristolian Julian Cook said: “But imagine the wind-powered immersive circus skills festival I curate deserted and overgrown, like those towns near Chernobyl.  

“You have already, haven’t you? That’s why you’re doing this.”