Gareth Bale finally able to afford haircut

GARETH Bale’s new contract will finally allow him to do something about his hair.

The Real Madrid star is set to sign a new deal worth €350,000 a week, which experts believe will be enough to pay someone to untie, shorten, or perhaps even remove his man-bun.

Wales ace Bale said: “It’s not been easy living off a mere €300,000 a week. After rent, food and petrol, there’s only about €298,000 left over. How can I justify spending that on a barber?

“Thanks to the lucrative new contract, I’ll no longer be mistaken for the world’s least convincing samurai.”

Enrique Sanchez, who runs the barbershop next to Bale’s apartment, said: “I’ve been helping Gareth with life in Madrid, like stressing the importance of good grooming, and explaining to him that one pound is worth twenty thousand euros.”


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Ask Holly: How should I document my illustrious career?

Dear Holly,

I’ve heard that young oik, Zayn Malik, is releasing his autobiography as a series of images rather than prose, presumably because he is unable to write much more than his own name. Whilst this whole concept reeks of vulgarity, I can’t help but wonder if I should adopt this approach to some sections of my forthcoming memoirs, where the scene in question lends itself to graphic representation, for example the chapter I am currently referring to as ‘A Taste of Pork’. What do you think?


Chipping Norton

Dear David,

My friend Erica Mackenzie’s mummy and daddy are getting a divorce and Erica has been a bit upset. Our school guidance counsellor, Angela, told Erica she should use art to express her feelings. So far she has drawn lots of pictures of her father being physically attacked by a demented clown and a massive scary owl with rainbow eyes. Everyone is very disturbed but we all agree Erica’s use of perspective is enchanting.

Hope that helps,