Olivia Wilde and Florence Pugh: Which celebrity feuds do you not give a shit about?

HIGH-PROFILE celebrity feuds dominate media, social media, and the inside of morons’ heads. You couldn’t care less about these: 

Olivia Wilde and Florence Pugh

Impossible to completely escape due to cultural osmosis. This feud involves Harry Styles, his main chick, leaked audio and someone not spitting on someone else. The only reason you’d care about this would be if you were a 14-year-old Styles obsessive or if it had been a really slow news week. And, perhaps you haven’t noticed, but that is not the case.

Noel and Liam Gallagher

The Gallagher brothers have been slagging each other off since they learnt how to talk. To people who came of age during the ’90s and built their musical taste around two alright albums and a slow decline, this bitter relationship is fascinating. To normal people it’s f**king boring because they’ve got their own siblings to fight.

Kanye West and Taylor Swift

This feud can be traced back to an award ceremony where Kanye West stormed the stage and ruined Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. It was big news at the time, but that was when the Western world hadn’t slipped into steady decline. These days it would be processed and forgotten about in the time it takes to write a funny tweet.

Cardi B and Nicki Minaj

Two rival female rappers, neither of which you’re familiar with, sparred with each other digitally before one of them threw a shoe at the other. Hardly compares to Tupac getting pumped with lead by an unknown gunman, which is why you’ve never bothered to look into it.

Vin Diesel and The Rock

Things have got so tense between these bald bastards that The Rock has refused to return to the Fast and the Furious franchise. This is a devastating loss for people who think CGI cars zooming through the sky is the height of cinema. F**k knows why the two so-called actors fell out, life’s too short even to Google it.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The kitchen's in the front room: the joys of apartment living

APARTMENTS are an almost affordable way to live by yourself, as long as you don’t mind major compromises to your quality of life:

Neighbours going at it

What’s that repetitive, thumping sound coming from upstairs? Could it be your neighbours hammering a nail into the wall? No, that would void their deposit, and why would they do that three times a week? Whatever it is, it sounds both painful and exhausting. Never seems to last more than 10 minutes though.

The kitchen being in the front room

Being able to access the fridge from your couch might sound like the dream, but not if you’re paying £1,200 per calendar month for the privilege (bills, council tax and service charge not included). Downsize to something even cheaper like a shared house, or a bedsit where you can reach the toilet in two steps from your bed. 

Smelling the neighbour’s cooking

What’s that fragrant odour wafting down the corridor and seeping into your carpets, clothes and soft furnishings? Why it’s number 36’s dinner of microwaved curried sardines and pickled eggs. You could always try and mask the stench with a scented candle, but that would instantly set off your flat’s hypersensitive smoke alarm.

Difficulties keeping pets

Landlords are usually opposed to pets because they’ll claw at the sofa and shit on the floor. It’s as if dogs and cats were never domesticated to the extent of a pokey Zone 5 rental that doesn’t get any natural light. Quite why they won’t let you keep a fish though is a mystery. They do f**k all and do it in clean.

No parties

Hosting a party in an apartment is impossible, and not just because you can only squeeze in three guests before you reach capacity. With walls that have the density of cardboard, it’s impossible to put on banging hip-hop without residents complaining to the police about unsociable noise levels. Just as well you don’t have any friends, then.