Overweight cat story depresses John Humphrys even further

JOHN Humphrys has threatened to walk out of the Today programme after being forced to a report on a cat that weighs 67 kilograms.

BBC sources said Humphrys retreated to a toilet cubicle where he could be heard muttering: “I have created this. I am part of the problem.”

Radio Four colleague, Jenni Murray said: “I stroked his head and offered to show him a YouTube video of my puppy watching the laundry, but he shook me off and said something that sounded like German swearing.”

The heavy cat said: “I’m just as upset as John that the Today programme focused on my weight. I’ve written a book about being an acquitted war criminal, but no-one ever mentions that.”

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Independent Scottish army 'would be nothing like Braveheart'

IF an independent Scottish army is not going to be like Braveheart then there is no point in doing it, everyone has agreed.

Military analysts said anything other than thousands of kilted, blue psychopaths running about the countryside would be very disappointing.

Bill McKay, professor of swords at Roehampton University, said: “It’ll be like a tiny version of the British Army but with second-hand tanks and an unacceptable level of bagpiping.

“If this thing is going to work it needs to be angry, semi-naked and screaming constantly.”

A Scottish government spokesman said: “We sounded-out some potential recruits in horribly working class areas.

“They all asked when they’d get their tribal cleavers and when they would be meeting their commanding officer, Mel Gibson.”

The spokesman added: “When we told them he wasn’t really William Wallace they said that was fine but they wanted to meet him anyway because he sounds ‘like a total fucking bampot’.”

Would-be soldier, Tom Logan, said: “I always imagined it would be done in a wild, mob justice style.

“I want to see red headed men beating their bare chests, screaming and tumbling in the mud, flecks of blood and spit in their ginger beards.”

He added: “If the nationalists can’t make this happen, I might as well start my own militia. My mother is extremely keen.”