VARIOUS bits of Titanic star Kate Winslet’s have revealed how insufferable they find their host organism.
Despite the actresses’s recent claims in Modern Self-Hating Woman about how comfortable she is with her body, it has emerged the feeling is not mutual.
Bill McKay, the fleshy area above Winslet’s right hip, said: “I’ve been desperately trying to get grafted off of here since that Golden Globe acceptance speech where she gushed like an arterial wound.
“I have since spoken with her tear ducts and I’m not entirely sure the crying was spontaneous. The whole thing is very dodgy.”
He added: “Imagine being present at a skin-crawling moment when you are some skin and you can’t crawl.”
Winslet’s shoulder blade, Nikki Hollis, said: “I appreciate that, as a woman in Hollywood, Kate faces a constant struggle to maintain her real woman’s physique despite constant cutting remarks from cynical casting directors.
“But looking at the bigger picture, she is probably under less pressure than someone in Libya whose house is currently on fire, which could lead some people to speculate that she should shut it.
“I imagine my comments will be photoshopped out of this interview.”
But Kate Winslet’s vagina, Martin Bishop, was more equivocal: “I’ve signed a confidentiality agreement, threatening me with a Billy-Bob Thornton sex scene if I say anything.
“So I think Kate is super.”