Pope distances himself from Galliano

THE Vatican last night insisted Pope Benedict could not be more different from fascist dress designer John Galliano.

The pontiff has published a new book studying the gospels of John and Matthew, with particular reference to their views on the combination of A-line skirts worn with flat, open-toed sandals.

In it, he argues that scriptural variation between the two canonical gospels need not lead to heterodoxy and that both authors were clearly influenced by St Paul’s Letter to the French edition of Vogue.

A Vatican spokesman said “Despite the lassez-faire attitude to sexuality, love of flamboyant clothing and belief that they are God’s earthly envoy, they couldn’t be more different.”

“His Holiness does not think all Jews are bad – just quite a few of them – and he does not, at this stage, sport a pencil moustache. As you can see, chalk and cheese.”

He added: 
”Mr Galliano makes his living from having a congregation sit in rapt attention as a group of people in bizarre outfits walk in procession down a central aisle in a display that seems to both worship and deeply dislike women.

“Whereas… shut the fuck up.”

The spokesman also stressed that, while Galliano has expressed his admiration for the Nazis, Pope Benedict only joined the Hitler Youth because brown was the new black.



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Holiday to celebrate dragon-slaying or death of 2,000 Frenchmen

ENGLAND faces the tantalising choice of a national holiday that celebrates either the slaying of a fictional animal by a made-up saint or the violent deaths of a great many French people.

Ministers believe the May Day bank holiday has become bloated and inefficient while also failing to give people 24 hours off work in a sufficiently English manner.

They now want a national debate on whether England should have a holiday on April 23, in commemoration of a legendary Syrian for whom there is not a shred of historical evidence, or October 21, marking the day when undereducated men from across Europe died to satisfy the armchair whims of a handful of egomaniacal sociopaths.

The government said Trafalgar Day could also be a ‘British celebration’ based on the assumption that Scottish, Northern Irish and Welsh people enjoy the death of a Frenchman as much as anyone.

But Julian Cook, professor of French suffering at Reading University, said: “If we just want to celebrate a large number of French deaths then what about October 2, a key moment in the Battle of Alesia in 52BC which ultimately claimed the lives of up to 90,000 Frenchmen?

“Or, if we really want to do it properly, we should go for February 21, marking the beginning of the Battle of Verdun which saw 163,000 greasy frog-munchers die in a ditch.”

Meanwhile, campaigners who said the new holiday could mark Shakespeare’s birthday, the release of Sergeant Pepper or the discovery of penicillin by a Scottish person in an English laboratory have been dismissed as communists and homosexuals.

Tom Logan, a leading theologian and assistant dean of Winchester cathedral, said: “I tend to favour celebrating the fictional deaths of giant monsters, so I’d like a day off to commemorate Luke Skywalker killing the Rancor in Return of the Jedi.

“By the time they get to the Sarlacc pit you can see that it’s actually quite sunny outside so I reckon it was probably early May.”