SMALL cakes with brightly-coloured icing will not bring boundless childish glee to your meaningless existence, it has been confirmed.
The Institute for Studies has spent the last two years studying the lingering trend for cupcakes as an adult food, at a self-consciously quirky tea shop called something like ‘Little Missy Yum Yum’ or ‘Alice’s Adventures in Cakeland’ where every purchase somehow always comes to at least a tenner.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “One of our key findings is that cupcakes are actually for children.
“We also found that the adult cupcake eaters were predominantly females with too much disposable income who are either trapped in damaging relationships, have recently had their heart shattered into a million tiny pieces or who simply hate themselves because of who they really are.
“Whatever the problem, the cupcake, be it ‘Scrummy Strawbie’, ‘Banana Baby Bear’ or ‘Nanna Noo-Noo’s Nougat Nicie’, is not the answer, it’s actually the question.”
Trend analyst Nikki Hollis said: “For many grown-ups cupcakes offer a portal to the halcyon days of childhood, when the world was full of wonder, colour and excitement. It’s pathetic.
“You should eat your cupcake while riding a skateboard and wearing jeans with little loops to hang pretend tools off of.
“Then you can go back home and cry yourself to sleep or read yet another leaflet about erectile dysfunction.
“Oh, and before I forget, men who like cupcakes are obviously paedophiles and you should tell the police to confiscate their laptops.”