Cupcakes will not plug gaping chasm where your soul used to be, say experts

SMALL cakes with brightly-coloured icing will not bring boundless childish glee to your meaningless existence, it has been confirmed.

The Institute for Studies has spent the last two years studying the lingering trend for cupcakes as an adult food, at a self-consciously quirky tea shop called something like ‘Little Missy Yum Yum’ or ‘Alice’s Adventures in Cakeland’ where every purchase somehow always comes to at least a tenner.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “One of our key findings is that cupcakes are actually for children.

“We also found that the adult cupcake eaters were predominantly females with too much disposable income who are either trapped in damaging relationships, have recently had their heart shattered into a million tiny pieces or who simply hate themselves because of who they really are.

“Whatever the problem, the cupcake, be it ‘Scrummy Strawbie’, ‘Banana Baby Bear’ or ‘Nanna Noo-Noo’s Nougat Nicie’, is not the answer, it’s actually the question.”

Trend analyst Nikki Hollis said: “For many grown-ups cupcakes offer a portal to the halcyon days of childhood, when the world was full of wonder, colour and excitement. It’s pathetic.

“You should eat your cupcake while riding a skateboard and wearing jeans with little loops to hang pretend tools off of.

“Then you can go back home and cry yourself to sleep or read yet another leaflet about erectile dysfunction.

“Oh, and before I forget, men who like cupcakes are obviously paedophiles and you should tell the police to confiscate their laptops.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

England made to give back Ashes

ENGLAND will today return the Ashes to Australia after the sport’s governing body invoked the Ireland Rule.

Under the regulation a country that is beaten by Ireland at cricket must return any trophies it has won in the last 30 years before undergoing a 48 hour-long Geoffrey Boycott seminar with no toilet breaks.

Australian captain Ricky Ponting said: “There’s no humiliation in waking up to find you’ve been beaten up in a pub brawl the night before, but not when you discover it was by a three year-old girl and her tea set.

“We’ve got Australia’s top quantum physicists – yes, they do exist – to research whether in an infinite number of universes an infinite number of Stuart Broads could exist, and if so has the worst incarnation somehow slipped through a wormhole and started chucking pies at an Irish person?”

Meanwhile the ICC has also asked sides to bowl underarm to England for the remainder of the World Cup and use tiny plastic bats from beach cricket sets.

The squad will then be placed into a separate ‘competition’ to the real teams where they will win a small cup for being really brave and trying really hard.

Once the World Cup has ended the ECB will arrange for the Ashes urn to be permanently rehomed in Australia, with the current England squad being killed, cremated and their ashes installed in its place.

England selector Roy Hobbs said: “We didn’t admit it at the time, but the Ashes series was basically a six-week-long sucker punch for England, the equivalent of predicting a dozen coin tosses in a row, but thank goodness everything has now been beautifully normalised.”

Yesterday’s match has also had repercussions in the financial world, with the Irish economy instantaneously recovering from its slump after a Sligo man put £5 on an Irish win when they were 111-2.