Paul Mccartney Has Been Dead Since 1966, Claims Heather

PAUL McCartney was killed in a car crash more than 40 years ago and replaced with a hypnotised doppelganger, his former wife claimed last night.

Heather Mills said the Beatles' later albums were littered with clues which revealed that the man known to millions as Sir Paul McCartney is actually a pipe-fitter called Ian.

She told GMTV: "If you look very closely at the cover of Sergeant Pepper you can see that Paul McCartney is, in fact, a total bastard."

According to Mills, the cover shows the Beatles standing over a grave covered by an elaborate floral wreath. "If you rearrange the letters it spells 'Paul is a tight-fisted shit'."

Mills also claimed that when I am the Walrus is played backwards, the phrase 'Paul McCartney is a total bastard' can be heard 'as clear as day'.

She added: "He's nothing more than a second rate look-a-like that Brian Epstein picked up in a Blackpool snooker hall.

"The reason he's only got £400 million is 'cause he has to pay hush money to Ringo Starr and Jane Asher. Not that she needs it, the cakey-faced bitch."

The former glamour model and charity campaigner said that within a few weeks of the couple's first date, she released he was, in fact, dead.

"I wanted to say something but I was told, in no uncertain terms, that my new credit card had a £750,000 limit."

Mills also dismissed claims she had not donated money to charity, insisting her accountant had 'ticked the wrong box' on her tax return.

She added: "Unfortunately he ticked the little box that says 'spent it all on handbags and fortune tellers'."

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Religious Belief Makes You Smile Like A Psycho Killer, Say Experts

PEOPLE with strong religious beliefs are more likely to smile at you like some kind of unhinged, homicidal maniac, according to a new study.

Researchers said people of faith have a more optimistic outlook and are able to cope better with stressful situations such as divorce, unemployment and dismembering a body in the bath.

The study also found that devout Christians developed a serene, far away look in their eyes, which suggested they were either at peace, or wondering whether to grill or pan fry your internal organs.

Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Atheists tend to smile in that resigned, world-weary fashion that makes you think they're normal people just like you. The Germans call it WELTSCHMERZ!

"Meanwhile, those who attend Church regularly smile in that sweet, generous and strangely unflinching way that makes you think they're about to plunge an ice pick into your chest."

But Wayne Hayes, a volunteer parishioner at the First Evangelical Church in Savannah, Georgia, dismissed the findings, adding: "My dear, why nothin' could be further from the truth.

"My oh my, you surely do have some silly notions runnin' around inside that head of yours.

"Now, 'fore I forget, I do believe I have a copy of that book concernin' the Revelation of St Paul that you were so very keen to be a borrowin'.

"Come and help me look for it in the basement."