Paxman dispensing vigilante cleverness

JEREMY Paxman has a vigilante alter ego called ‘Clever Man’.

The University Challenge host attacked a group of teenagers after leaping from a fire escape wearing a leotard, and bombarded them with general knowledge questions.

17-year-old Tom Booker said: “He appeared out of nowhere and demanded to know the chemical formula for potassium nitrate.

“I said it was KNO2 and he went mental, screaming ‘Everyone knows it’s KNO3!’

“In a flash, his massive spade-like hand encircled my neck. My friends were trying to intervene but with his spare hand he was wielding a fountain pen like a tiny sword.

“He kicked the shit out of us, then left a selection of academic textbooks on our semi-conscious bodies, like a calling card.”

Police believe the obsessively intellectual Paxman/Clever Man is also behind a threat to destroy the set of The Only Way Is Essex.

Inspector Emma Bradford said: “He’s threatened to kill the entire cast unless the government builds ten libraries by midnight.

“Then he told me his superhero motto, but it was in Latin so I didn’t understand.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Spending time together will kill a relationship

SPENDING time with your partner is fatal for a relationship, experts have warned.

The Institute for Studies found that contact with your partner dramatically increases the risk of finding out what they are really like.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “During courtship, people frequently ignore a partner’s personality because of all the sex.

“However, once you’re in a steady relationship it is almost inevitable that you will discover your partner is genuinely excited about the new Dan Brown novel, or finds the expression ‘’elf and safety’ amusing.

“The key is to spend almost no time together.”

Professor Brubaker said that in the past couples had developed coping strategies, such as husbands spending an unnatural amount of time in an outbuilding.

However, modern urban living meant that more couples were being forced to enjoy each other’s company on a regular basis.

He added: “Activities such as sexual intercourse require both partners to be present. But there’s no reason to jeopardise your relationship by sticking around afterwards and talking to them.”

Marketing manager Nikki Hollis said: “My long-term partner Iain is an absolute anus, but by avoiding each other we’ve stayed together for 11 years.

“We pretend we’ve been on holiday together by wanking on endlessly to friends about this amazing restaurant we found in Thessaloniki. Actually we just looked it up on the internet.”