Piers Morgan makes it through whole interview without walking out

MENTAL health campaigners have congratulated Piers Morgan for making it through an entire interview without storming out offended. 

Fragile, delicate Piers left his last job after walking out live on air, unable to cope with the stress of being mildly criticised by a part-time weatherman.

Ever since the snowflake former Mirror editor has been trying to build up the mental strength to survive an hour-long interview, in the full knowledge that his beliefs may be challenged by others at any time.

An ITV insider said: “We set up the interview with Keir Starmer because we knew he’d rush to agree with anything Piers said, saving him from the immense trauma of opposing viewpoints.

“Nonetheless it was touch-and-go. What if Keir said something positive about vegan sausage rolls? What if he believed that a model who’d appeared nude could also be a feminist?

“We had a team of professionals on hand in case Piers was triggered by a memory of Daniel Craig wearing a baby carrier. But he made it. We’re so proud. Naomi Osaka sent her personal congratulations.”

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The photos you'll always see in your local paper

FLICKING through your local newspaper in the hope of seeing someone you were at school with sent down for GBH? You’ll see these stories: 

Golden Weddings

Two grinning pensioners who’ve been married for 50 years. Well done, especially as swinging and divorce were available. But do you care that they honeymooned in Skegness and believe the secret to marriage is ‘give-and-take’? No. Nobody does, not even the relative who sent them an insincere card.

Dog Mess

A retired person standing on a canal towpath looking downward with an expression of pure, visceral disgust can only mean one thing: dogshit. And if there’s one issue local papers lose their minds over, it’s canine excrement on footpaths. To them not bagging dogshit is tantamount to assassinating the Pope.

Centenarians

Someone you’ve never met has lived to 100. They’re holding a telegram from the Queen though they clearly don’t know what it is or why. Over their shoulder smiles their daughter who’s spent 22 years of weekly visits watching their inheritance being swallowed by exorbitant care home fees.

Local Council Rows 

You haven’t a f**king clue who’s on the council and so long as your rubbish gets collected, you couldn’t care less. Nonetheless councillors will be pictured on waste ground claiming it’s perfect or terrible for a regional trucking hub. Only of interest when the debate turns ugly and two councillors end up in a fistfight which goes viral.

Memory Lane

Not content with boring you shitless with the non-events of the past week, now they’re running black-and-white photos from 1962 saying ‘Remember Hookstone’s Bakery?’ Only of interest to the very elderly who scan through to spot long-dead friends.

Angry People Pointing At Things

A hole in the road. A field someone wants to build on. A speed limit sign drivers ignore. It doesn’t matter what it is, if some twat will point at it while pulling a disappointed-in-humanity face, it’s news. It’s the same dickhead they had pointing at an unrelated grievance the week before but opinionated knobs are the lifeblood of local newspapers, so he’ll be in again next week.