POPE Francis has touched down in Dublin for the two-day stag party of one of his closest friends.
The Pope is visiting Ireland for the first time to give old seminary buddy Cardinal Celentano the perfect send-off, and warned residents that it is likely to get messy.
He continued: “It’s a stag do and a leaving do because he’s been shagging this bird on the side, so this night is going off.
“Beginning in the old pubs where Jimmy Joyce drank, then we’re clubbing at Copper Face Jacks, then strippers. The whip-round didn’t make enough so I eBayed a little Michelangelo so they do him properly.
“Tomorrow morning we’re paintballing which will be an absolute disaster if we do it right, then we’re back in the bars for those of us can handle it. Bit of gak to help us along, in the old diplomatic bag.
“It’s gonna be fucking epic, I promise, and if anyone sees a suffering, Christlike figure shuffling along the Liffey in the wee hours that’s not a miracle, it’s Celly after we’ve taped his pants round his ankles and sent him to do a cock-out mile.
“Monday morning quick mass, forgiveness for all our sins, bish bosh, back on the flight. Sorted.”