No-deal Brexit to be total pain in the arse which is absolutely great, Britain confusingly told

THE Government has detailed all the crippling inconveniences of a no-deal Brexit while adding how much we will love them.

Britons have been warned about extreme hassles including higher card payments and customs declarations forms, and told not to complain because they will be absolutely brilliant.

Brexit minister Dominic Raab said: “Get ready for long, excellent waits at borders. What a great opportunity to catch up on your reading or have some peaceful ‘me time’.

“Organic farmers will face a nine-month delay to get certification, which they should welcome as a chance to rethink their hippy nonsense, and key medicines won’t be available, saving the NHS millions.

“Massive amounts of red, white and blue tape will be added to all exporting businesses. Meanwhile the supply of hot students coming here will dwindle so you’ll have to shag someone from your local Wetherspoons.

“It will be an absolute bastard which is why everyone should back our deal, though we will also be perfectly fine without it, so fuck you, Merkel.”

He added: “You’ll still be able to have a bacon sandwich, you’ll just have to book seven months in advance. Which is good because you’ll enjoy it more when it finally arrives.”

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Dreadful family having loud conversations about bodily functions in public

A MIDDLE-CLASS couple spent a day out loudly asking their children whether they needed a wee or a poo in front of other people.

Martin Bishop and wife Francesca had taken their offspring Milo and Jasmine to a local museum clearly full of other families, yet seemed to think they were speaking within the privacy of their own home.

Onlooker Mary Fisher said: “I know kids have little control over these things but I’d quite like to be able to look at a dinosaur skeleton without the mental image of turds in my head.

“My kids just tell me discreetly if they need the loo, so I don’t understand why these people need to turn it into a public broadcast. The least they could do is lower their loud, annoying, middle-class voices.

“Hopefully constantly talking about their bodily functions in public will make the kids run up massive therapy bills for the parents in the future.”

However Martin Bishop said: “It’s good to be open about these things. That’s why we talked incessantly about ‘number ones and twos’ in the cafeteria.

“The man eating a sausage sandwich next to us didn’t mind, in fact he gave us a big smile. Or it might have been a nauseated grimace.”