No-deal Brexit to be total pain in the arse which is absolutely great, Britain confusingly told

THE Government has detailed all the crippling inconveniences of a no-deal Brexit while adding how much we will love them.

Britons have been warned about extreme hassles including higher card payments and customs declarations forms, and told not to complain because they will be absolutely brilliant.

Brexit minister Dominic Raab said: “Get ready for long, excellent waits at borders. What a great opportunity to catch up on your reading or have some peaceful ‘me time’.

“Organic farmers will face a nine-month delay to get certification, which they should welcome as a chance to rethink their hippy nonsense, and key medicines won’t be available, saving the NHS millions.

“Massive amounts of red, white and blue tape will be added to all exporting businesses. Meanwhile the supply of hot students coming here will dwindle so you’ll have to shag someone from your local Wetherspoons.

“It will be an absolute bastard which is why everyone should back our deal, though we will also be perfectly fine without it, so fuck you, Merkel.”

He added: “You’ll still be able to have a bacon sandwich, you’ll just have to book seven months in advance. Which is good because you’ll enjoy it more when it finally arrives.”