Prince Charles building up immunity to working classes

THE Prince of Wales is being exposed to the working classes twice daily to bolster his immune system before he takes the throne.

Last week Charles managed to hold a handshake with a Birmingham welder for a full three seconds.

A Palace aide said: “It’s hard on him – he cried for an hour yesterday when he was forced to sit on a DFS sofa – but it’s necessary.

“Without this preparation, he’d take the first pink wafer biscuit that was offered and the shock would prove fatal.”

Tutor Julian Cooks said: “It’s all about acclimatization: five minutes with a Mancunian here, ten minutes with an Essex girl there, building up to 20 minutes trying to understand a Geordie.

“Teaching the Prince to say ‘And what do you do?’ has been hard, but teaching him not to reply ‘And what the fuck is that?’ when they answer is even harder.”

Charles is being forced through the process by his mother, who says that the resistance to poor person germs she built up during her two-week stint pretending to be a driver in the Women’s Auxiliary during the war has stood her in great stead.

The Queen said: “When that Irishman broke into my bedroom in 1982, I was able to engage him in conversation about the TV series The Professionals and whether Kevin Keegan could still do a job for England until the police arrived.”

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Married gays to tour drought-hit countries

BETROTHED homosexuals are to use their magical flood-creating powers to bring new life to desert regions.

Gay people in civil partnerships, who have been granted the power to summon rainstorms from the heavens by God and UKIP, plan to use it benevolently.

Nathan Muir, who saw storm clouds forming as he kissed his husband on their wedding day, said: “We’re honeymooning in Sub-Saharan Africa so that we can bring the waters of gayness to its parched landscape.

“If one small kiss summons a full-on pea souper imagine what fully penetrative gay intercourse could do.”

He added: “A lot of people think God dislikes homosexuals, but if that’s so why did he give us supernatural powers?

“Apparently he destroyed Sodom by sending loads of fire and brimstone, but those things are very useful in the right amounts.

“If Sodom’s level of gay sex had been just a fraction lower it would’ve been kept snugly warm. The moral is that God’s fine with moderate amounts of gay sex.”

Homosexuals are being welcomed in drought-prone regions, with Australia’s Irri-GAY-Tion chain of honeymoon hotels in the Outback paying couples $2,500 a night.

And in Africa, gay marriages are the new craze among farmers keen to provide for their families.

Ethiopian Abdu Gobena said: “They say homosexuality is an abomination in God’s sight, but on the other hand walking seven miles a day for drinking water sucks pretty hard too.”