Prince George intends to become king 'as quickly as possible'


PRINCE George has declared his intention to become king as soon as possible and by any means necessary.

The third in line to the throne, who turned four this week, has warned he will remove any obstacle to his coronation and stressed that he is ‘not dicking about’.

Prince George said: “William’s a nice guy, sure, but he’s not built for this shit. I’m hungry. Catherine keeps trying to make me take naps, but I always say ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead’.

“At the end of the day, I’m not here to make friends. Charlotte’s just lucky she’s younger than me.”

A Palace insider said: “I found another little wooden train from Harrod’s at the top of the stairs yesterday – that’s 18 this week. It’s just lucky the little prince hasn’t stood on any of them.

“Thankfully he’s not in the immediate vicinity when I or anyone else finds them.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Bathroom spider breaks unspoken agreement to remain in exact same spot

A SPIDER has broken an unspoken agreement to remain in the same highly visible spot in the bathroom.

Spider Nikki Hollis and homeowner Tom Logan had an unofficial pact that she would not be thrown out of the window if she stayed perfectly visible down the side of the toilet at all times.

Logan said: “I didn’t really want the hassle of catching her and I thought she understood this without the need for an official meeting.

“The cornerstone of spider-human relations is that they can be in the bathroom but they cannot ever move, or at least if they do they must be back in the same place before you wake up.

“Now I don’t know where the fuck she is and I’m a lot more scared than I would have been if I’d just caught her in a Tupperware container last night.

“She’ll probably be on my face tonight while I’m asleep, laying spider eggs in my hair.”

Nikki Hollis said: “Actually I’ll be in the shower curtain later, ready to pounce.”