Prince Harry memoir reminds British people why they don't share things

THE revelations from Prince Harry’s autobiography have encouraged the UK public to reflect on their own traumas and bury them down deep forever.

Whether reading Spare for themselves or picking up the worst bits online, people say they have a new appreciation for the famous British quality of completely repressing your feelings.

Spare reader Josh Hudson said: “I had a difficult relationship with my family growing up and I thought it might be time to start sharing my vulnerabilities with my mates. But now? No f**king chance.

“Prince Harry’s memoir has really underlined the fact that revealing your intimate thoughts and emotions is a terrible idea that should be avoided at all costs. No one wants to know the gory details of your humiliating first shag. Save it for the therapist you’re lucky enough to be able to afford one.

“And my girlfriend is completely disturbed by the bit about him thinking of his dead mum while applying moisturiser to his frostbitten penis. She says it totally ruined Elizabeth Arden products for her.

“If he really wanted to make things better with his dad and brother he should have done what I do: ignore the problem and sit in silence in front of the footie.”

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13-year-old presented with mandatory earbuds to wear for next three years

A GIRL has celebrated her 13th birthday by receiving and inserting the earbuds she will wear continuously until she is 16.

Lucy Parry was given the earbuds in honour of her new status as a teenager and solemnly placed them in her ears before silently leaving the room.

Dad Brendan said: “It’s sad to see your little girl enter a state of ‘indeterminate music listening/willed deafness/they’re in but not on or are they?’, but it’s time.

“From now on Lucy will never be fully present. Is she listening to music? A podcast? Will she acknowledge being spoken to? Is that the earbuds or not? We will never know.

“On days out, on holiday, on the occasion of her grandmother’s 80th birthday her aural canals will be plugged. If ever asked to take them out, she will pull such a face.

“Even with her friends they will never be removed. Are they talking? Are they listening to music? Is the soundtrack shared, or individual? These questions cannot be answered. Indeed you’ll be made to feel an intrusive old prick for asking.”

Lucy said nothing, preferring to gesture at her earbuds and roll her eyes with theatrical exhaustion before storming away.