Prince William at 40: what a waste of a life

PRINCE William turns 40 today, and have four decades on this earth ever been so squandered?

1982: Born 11 months after the Royal Wedding in a desperate attempt to fix his parents’ failing relationship. Immediately handed to a nanny.

1983: Visits Australia and New Zealand for first time and told they are his and he can do whatever he wants with them if he just stops crying.

1990: Sent to boarding school where he will remain for the next ten years, in a fantastic example to the nation of how to throw money at child-rearing.

2000: Spends gap year working on dairy farms, teaching children in Chile and learning Swahili. Fails to attend a single Goan full moon party ripped to the tits on E or to catch an STI off an Australian girl in the back of a VW Campervan on the Gold Coast.

2001: Attends St Andrew’s University to study the traditional thick posh person’s degree, History of Art, which proves too challenging so he switches to Geography. The most expensive education possible earns him a 2:1, the same as a weed-smoking comprehensive student from Mansfield.

2003: Meets girlfriend at university. Like any student couple, they move in together with a couple of housemates on the 400-acre Strathtyrum estate and leave nasty notes about the cleaning rota.

2006: Joins Army after proving unemployable in any other field. Learns to fly a helicopter with a co-pilot. The extent to which he is pulling levers unconnected to anything remains unconfirmed.

2011: Marries the first girl who let him to fourth base. The nation is compelled to rejoice. Already obviously balding. Realises at altar her sister has the better arse.

2012-2018: Produces three children, the first of which is his own replacement. Photos from the period show the dull realisation dawning that the good bit is over.

2018: Brother gets married to an objective improvement on his own wife. Not jealous at all, but within the year hundreds of vile stories have leaked to media, the brothers fall out, and the younger, more dynamic one goes to California. Counts this as a win.

2022: Turns 40. Still same distance from throne as 40 years earlier, having achieved nothing. Sells Big Issue with all light gone from eyes.

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How to be an arsehole train commuter from the comfort of your home

MISSING your daily ritual of pissing off everyone on your train? Recreate it from home: 

Take business calls

Imagine a loud, intrusive voice, then double it. That’s the volume of a business call in standard class. For that extra dash of realism be on speaker discussing the dullest work proposal in corporate history. No, it can’t wait 20 minutes until the office, you snap at your 12-year-old.

Place your bag on a chair

You’ve got ample leg room. You even have a cupboard under the stairs in which to stow your luggage. But for that passive-aggressive train feel, ensure that your bag is comfortably perched on the only other free chair in your home. When your other half tries to remove it, sigh loudly and roll your eyes.

Eat something that stinks

Prepare a tuna salad sandwich or reheat a bell pepper gumbo, and rather than waiting until in a canteen or well-ventilated area to eat it, seal yourself into a room with your family, prise open your plastic container and dig in while a foul reek fills the air without an iota of self consciousness.

Don’t let people out of doorways

Does your partner need to leave for work? Or perhaps your children need to go to school? As they attempt to exit, stand right in the doorway and push past them while muttering ‘f**k’s sake’. Act self-righteous and offended when they rightly give you a bollocking for being a twat.

Openly cough and sneeze

Even pre-Covid, coughing and sneezing on trains without covering your mouth was abhorrent. Recreate those halcyon days by hacking up a lung and letting rip half a dozen shotgun-blast sneezes on your housemates at point blank range. Once you’re done, add insult to injury by cheerfully saying ‘aah, much better’.

Bump and grind

Order everyone into the hallway then stand uncomfortably close to them reading their newspapers, breathing into their ears and rubbing unspecified below-waist areas against them. React indignantly when accused, blaming your laptop bag, while remaining in extreme proximity.