Princess of Wales seen by witnesses who are immediately killed

THE Princess of Wales has been sighted by two witnesses who were allowed to recount the encounter before being led away by Special Branch. 

The witnesses, who will remain unnamed in their unmarked graves, claim to have seen the princess popping to a farm shop looking ‘relaxed, happy and healthy’, in words which serve as a fine final testament.

A Palace spokesman said: “So there you are then, controversy over. You can’t say she’s not okay without contradicting these witnesses which would be insensitive, considering.

“Did they take photographs of Kate browsing the artisan sausage rolls? No. Will they give their names? No. Does this definitively prove that Kate is absolutely fine once and for all? Yes, so their sacrifice was not in vain.

“William was there and shared a special moment with the witnesses, where he gave them printed copies of their statement and urged them ‘not to f**k this up’, with that delightful feeling for ordinary people that he has.

“So they saw the Princess, they made their statements, they left accompanied by their minders and a few minutes later the double-thump of silenced gunshots and bodies hitting earth washed over the shop’s award-winning selection of small batch cheeses.”

Royalist Bill McKay said: “So that’s settled. I don’t want to cross William, he’s got a nasty temper and he lashes out.”

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How to recover from a devastatingly accurate insult from a seven-year-old

CHILDREN say the cruelest, funniest things, directly to you in front of a roomful of people, like ‘Where’s your hair gone, uncle Simon?’ Here’s how to laugh it off: 

Try not to take it to heart

Hard as it is when a child has said ‘How are you sisters when she’s pretty and you’re not?’ remember children don’t have ulterior motives for humiliating you, unlike adults. They just tell the truth, which means that yes you have a big wonky nose and smell of tuna melt, but it’s wrong to suffer a mortal wound from someone who still sucks their thumb.

Shrug it off

In a group setting, the chance of a comment like ‘Are you drinking wee?’ or ‘Mummy says you drink like a fishy, can you show me?’ is dangerously high. Preparing a coolly-worded comeback to show how unbothered you are, like ‘Shouldn’t you be drawing a crap picture to stick on the fridge?’ reduces the risk of barking out ‘F**k off, you’re adopted.’

Blame the parents

Really, a child remarking ‘What happened to auntie Emma from Christmas, did she dump you?’ is the fault of their parents. Shoot them affronted looks and if they don’t work, call out ‘Can anyone put this little shit on an iPad, because I think that’s how she’s normally raised?’ Bear in mind nobody feels sorry for an affronted 33-year-old.

Get everyone pissed

Children in the 1970s didn’t give cheek, because adults were habitually drunk and not above a clip around the ear. Return to those dark days of unforgivable brutality by pouring liberal measures so the next time an adorable tot says ‘You’re all boring and you smell bad like eggs,’ someone’s intoxicated enough to tell them to bugger off.

Take revenge

Adorable moppet just called you fat? Wait until her parents are out of the room and hit back hard. Being short, having twat teeth or being a bedwetter are all solid lines of attack. Add ‘You’ll fail at school and have to work in a bin,’ to get them crying. You will be grassed up but your self-esteem will soar. They’re only fake crying anyway.