Parents of aspirational son delighted to be yardstick he measures success against

AN upwardly-mobile man’s parents just love providing a contrast between his humble origins and what he has achieved in life. 

Having provided Tom Logan with a stable upbringing in an end-terrace house, Barbara and Nigel Logan are thrilled that he always wanted more than ‘a drab little town and drab little lives’.

Nigel said: “From when he was a boy, he always said he’d never work in a shirt factory like me and wouldnt be beaten down by our lack of expectations for him, which was lovely.

“His active, fizzing brain could never have tolerated that kind of mind-numbingly tedious work, he’d say while I paid him through university, shaming me for not knowing about Brecht and Dostoyevsky.

“And now he’s doing well, and never forgets to mention his ignorant provincial mum and dad who stifled his creativity by watching Millionare and eating chip barms. And how he tolerates us voting Tory because we don’t know any better.

“I suppose people love a rags-to-riches tale of a boy born into the extreme poverty of a three-bedroom house who goes on to become a social media manager in Penge.”

Barbara Logan said: “Though he never mentions that we’re swingers.”

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Meet cute ends in bumping uglies

A COUPLE’S adorable meet cute has led to them ramming their engorged genitals into one another within the same day. 

Lucy Parry and Jack Browne attended neighbouring parties and got locked out on adjoining balconies at the same time in a charming, serendipitous encounter befitting a Hollywood movie.

Parry said: “Neither of us were even meant to be there! Then we got locked out and spent two hours chatting six feet apart, and nine hours later I know what his dick looks like.

“Honestly, it was such a moment, being out there with him under the stars, a gulf between our bodies but our eyes drawing us together. When we finally got freed and were united, able to touch for the first time, it was like the rest of the world faded away.

“We left the parties behind us and danced through the city and the night, kissing in doorways, brought together by destiny and providence. Which is, I suppose, why I let him hit it from behind back at my place.

“Amazing that face I was a stranger to just yesterday was so quickly buried between my legs but it felt so right. You can’t fight fate, can you?”

Browne said: “She’s nice, but I’m definitely getting more of a friendship vibe.”