Queen very good at it, say experts

THE Queen is extremely good at being the Queen, it has been claimed. 

Experts on the monarchy agreed that Queen Elizabeth is undoubtedly the best queen Britain has had in the last 60 years, and in the top three for the whole 20th century. 

Historian Mary Fisher said: “Whether shaking hands with dignitaries, walking into a building or reading out a speech, the Queen gets it right every single time. 

“A moment imagining those duties in the hands of a less able monarch – punching dignitaries, walking into walls, reading speeches backwards – reinforces how lucky we are. 

“And, of course, she is only the latest in a hot streak of brilliant sovereigns. What fortune!” 

Roy Hobbs of Swindon said: “What about running two Queens concurrently – one in Scotland, one in England – and then we can decide which one is best and kill the other one?”

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Liking mornings linked to being stupid

PEOPLE who are upbeat in the morning have extremely low intelligence, it has been confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that self-styled ‘morning people’ have IQ levels below that of most people and even some animals.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “People who jump eagerly out of bed to begin their ‘morning rituals’ have the simplistic upbeat mentality that comes from a general lack of awareness. Labradors are also like that.

“Their only evolutionary purpose is to clatter around in the kitchen making smoothies, annoying the more intelligent humans so much that they are forced to crawl grudgingly out of bed and start doing the things that are truly necessary to society.

“‘Morning people’ love poor quality cheerful art like ‘beach grooves’ compilation CDs and films about street dancers succeeding against the odds. They’re nice. They just aren’t very bright.”

27-year-old Mary Fisher said: “The final part of my morning routine is to take my husband a slightly cold cup of tea whilst singing a romantic song from a Disney film.

“He opens one eye and silently mouths the words ‘I love you’. Or it could be ‘fuck off’, I’m not sure.”