Queen can kill a man with one finger

THE Queen is a lethal human weapon trained by Shaolin monks, it has been confirmed.

The monarch left her family home at the age of four, travelling alone to the remote Buddhist temple where she learned to remain perfectly still during the Royal Variety Performance, as well as advanced combat techniques including the dreaded ‘Mantis Strike’ and ‘Breath of Viper’.

A palace spokesman said: “Etiquette is just another branch of martial arts, and all queens are sent to the monks for posture and weapons training. It’s like a British boarding school but less weird.

“I’ve seen the queen slice out a minor diplomat’s throat with a silver cake fork, then calmly step aside to dodge the arterial spray.

“She can also levitate and slow her metabolism to such an extent that being in a room with Rolf Harris becomes tolerable.”