Queen Demands Fancy New Hat

THE Queen is demanding a 20% increase in the civil list so she can buy herself a really fancy new hat and refurbish some of her old ones.

According to Buckingham Palace accounts, by 2012 the Queen will be greeting shoppers at the Windsor branch of Tesco and taking in sailors unless we give her a £40 million hat fund immediately.

In recent years the Royal Household has struggled to keep pace with the wear and tear on the sovereign's hat collection. Last month the entire left-hand side of one of the blue hats was cordoned-off by engineers who said it is dangerously close to being completely unwearable.

Published accounts show the Queen costs each UK citizen 69p per year, with just four of the pence being used for the purchase and maintenance of hats, balaclavas and ear muffs.

Bill McKay, a mentally handicapped royalist from Hatfield, said he had heard that the Queen was excellent value for money.

"She works very hard with those horses, scrubbing their hooves and flushing their backsides twice a day. The least she deserves is a really nice hat."

He added: "And remember this – abolishing their monarchy left the French with nothing more than lots of beautiful palaces and the biggest tourist industry in the world."

A Buckingham Palace source insisted budgets were under strain, adding: "Philip is forced to launch five times the average national wage worth of buckshot into some geese every year, and bribing footmen to keep schtum about all the bumming isn't cheap either."

But Tom Booker, a man who has had just about enough of this from Peterborough, said: "I know it could actually kill her, but perhaps she could live in one house that's only three or four times the size of mine instead of eight houses that are all 40 times the size of mine.

"Then we could sell the eight houses, buy her a nice vicarage in Berkshire with a staff cottage and an acre of garden and use the rest of the money to build a state of the art hospital for sick children. Or is that communism?"

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Fat People To Be Squeezed Into Camps

FAT people should be squeezed into specially designed camps so that children will not have to look at them, it was claimed last night.

A leading health expert said that fat stars such as James Corden, Beth Ditto and that awful Fern Britton should be dragged from their beds in the middle of the night and herded onto cattle trucks, while their homes and possessions are given to thin people.

Professor Michael McMahon, of Nuffield Health, described Corden, Ditto and Britton as 'baby-eating parasites' who had brought the country to its knees through their control of world capitalism.

He said: "The barrack huts should be as small as possible. This not only helps diseases to spread rapidly, it encourages the fat people to lose weight.

"Nothing will make you reconsider your lifestyle more than being forced to soil yourself because you're too fat to squeeze past all the fat people standing in the corridor."

Prof McMahon said that once the fat people have lost some weight they will be paraded naked before a children's jury who will decide whether they are still a bad influence.

He admitted that most communities would not want to have a camp-full of disgusting fat people on their doorstep and called for the first shipments to be sent to Southern Poland where there were 'easily adaptable facilities'.

He added: "Above the gate we could have a sign that reads Arbeit Macht Dünn or 'Work Makes us Thin'."

Martin Bishop, a television viewer from Stevenage, said: "Horne and Corden was not good, but I don't think you should put him in a camp. A hefty fine and an apology would suffice."

He added: "Maybe it's time we put public health experts in camps so they can experiment on each other until they create a master-race of perfect freaks."

But Prof McMahon insisted: "I think it's a remarkably civilised way of dealing with the problem. Personally, I think we should turn them into cat food."