Queen poleaxes disgraceful Canadian with elbow to the chin

THE Queen has responded to a breach of etiquette by Canada’s Governor General by smashing her elbow right into his chin.

David Johnston laid hands on the monarch’s elbow while descending a staircase in London, against all protocol, and attempted to claim his infraction was because of a ‘slippy carpet’.

But Elizabeth II immediately recognised the assault on her person – and Great Britain  – and after pausing for breath, suddenly slammed her elbow into his jaw.

As he rolled dazed to the foot of the stairs, Her Royal Majesty clambered to the top and, displaying her white-clad elbow to the baying crowd, prepared to unleash her signature ‘elbow drop’ move.

To chants of ‘finish him’ the Queen then leapt into the air and seemed to hang motionless for a moment before impacting with full Royal force onto His Excellency’s chest.

She then stripped him off his official Great Seal of Canada and held it aloft to the deafening cheers of the assembled public.

After hospital treatment the Governor General will be returned to his native Canada to live alone on an ice floe, in accordance with tradition.

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Corbyn embraces populism with pledge to ban U2

JEREMY Corbyn has pledged that a Labour government would ban U2 from Britain.

In a shift towards a more broad-based populism, the Labour leader said there was no reason why UK citizens should have to ‘shoulder the burden’ of the Irish combo any longer.

He has proposed replacing all of the group’s UK activity with a coalition of grime MCs, Dexys Midnight Runners and the Sleaford Mods.

Corbyn said, “Since their debut album in 1980, for all their caterwauling and scratchy guitars, we have seen living standards and public services eroded while they grow richer and fatter and develop ever more elaborate schemes of tax avoidance.

“They sing about love, but all that they inspire is hatred – hatred for their music, their lead singer and his endless succession of trousers, each pair worse than the last.

“Their last album was imposed against our will, on iTunes, without consulting the general public.

“My surgery was inundated with hardworking constituents all of them asking me the same question; how do we delete this?

“We delete it with legislation.”