Queen requests Britain take it easy this weekend in preparation for four-day Jubilee bender

HER Majesty the Queen has ordered her subjects to drink in moderation this weekend in readiness for their four-day Platinum Jubilee session.

The monarch made an address to the nation commanding everyone to have a quiet one so as to be properly thirsty for the coming piss-up By Royal Appointment.

She continued: “As your Queen for 70 years, I know my country and my people all too well.

“The weather is decent. The evenings are light. You have the racial memory of a bank holiday at this time. It is only natural to get shitfaced.

“But on this occasion it would not be appropriate. In just a few short days, I will celebrate my Platinum Jubilee and it is imperative you save your boozing until then and develop a proper thirst.

“I speak to the whole nation, from prosecco mums to real ale bores to the consumers of Pimms on picnics. Whether it’s white cider in the park or cocktails after dark, be patient.

“This Thursday, in my honour, the biggest bender of all our lifetimes begins. A spree of alcohol-fuelled wreckage that will top even VE Day. I promise you we will be urinating in the very streets.

“God bless me.”

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F**king wasps, men in shorts, and other hot weather shit you forget about every year

LOOKING forward to the summer? You really shouldn’t be. Here are a few reasons why hot days are actually the worst.

1. Barbecues. The insects, the lack of cutlery, the bloke chatting to you with coleslaw in his beard. Just no.

2. Summer clothes are so much effort. You’d happily keep your hairy legs undercover but it’s too hot. Time to dig out the razor and fake tan, and trim that toe hair.

3. Sun cream. It’s bad enough putting it on yourself but having to put it on the kids is a sticky, messy hell. Especially if there is sand involved.

4. Wasps. The mean little f**kers are the curse of beer gardens everywhere.

5. Sweating. Even stepping out of the door makes you perspire copiously. You’d rather stay indoors and sit next to a fan until September.

6. Air conditioning. It’s 30 degrees outside yet rather than just opening the windows and finding a pleasant middle ground some tosser insists that the office is always freezing.

7. The pressure to do stuff. You  just want to watch Netflix in your pyjamas but that big stupid sun is glaring at you through the window, daring you to waste this lovely day.

8. Hangovers are worse. You already feel like shit, but it’s so much more debilitating when you have a headache and nausea and the heat of the sun is dehydrating your body and brain even further.

9. No bastard replies to your emails. They’re either on holiday or skiving off in the garden.

10. Travelling anywhere. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a car on a boiling hot day, especially as the summer means there is so much traffic.

11. The Tube. The only thing more disgusting than travelling on a packed Tube train is travelling on a packed Tube train full of sweaty people.

12. Picnics. Slightly worse than barbecues because you are often somewhere with no toilets. So it’s either a bush wee or an epic search to find a public loo which has a stench made far worse by the heat.

13. Sleep. What sleep? Can we all acknowledge that getting a good night’s sleep in summer is pretty much impossible? It’s just too bloody hot.

14. Other people’s bodies. Say what you like about winter, at least you aren’t forced to see the wobbling bellies, jiggling moobs and sagging thighs of your fellow citizens. And they don’t have to see yours.