Resolution of Minaj-Swift crisis beamed to Keplar 452b

EARTH-like planet Keplar 452b is being urgently beamed news that the feud between Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift has been settled.

The world, which may have an atmosphere and oceans on which life could survive, is assumed to be in turmoil after the spat between the pair highlighted difficult racial issues underlying US society.

Professor Helen Archer said: “Kepler 452b is older, larger and hotter than Earth, and likely home to an advanced civilisation unprepared for the news that Taylor has once again made it all about her.

“A raging Twitterstorm headed toward them, coupled with some fire selfies, may have provoked an interstellar war which we could only lose.

“Thank God Taylor carefully read the thousands of feminist thinkpieces and apologised. Now they will know Earth is a wonderful place.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

First-time buyers’ definition of London now includes Coventry

A COUPLE looking to purchase their first home are claiming that Coventry is an up-and-coming part of the metropolitan area.

Professionals Tom and Clare Logan began looking for a home around Brixton and Herne Hill, but quickly widened their search to include Dulwich, Bromley, Maidstone and Canterbury.

Tom Logan said: “Affordable properties are thin on the ground so we’ve found it easier to redefine the boundaries of Greater London than find somewhere to live.

“I can’t believe none of the hipsters have discovered Coventry. It’s almost like a little city to itself but only 58 minutes from Euston on the train.”

Friend Stephen Malley said: “I never knew there even was a Zone 36, let alone that places were so affordable there.

“Apparently they’re considering a lovely place in coastal London, with sea views and everything, in the middle of a vibrant Welsh-speaking community. I’ve never heard of Aberystwyth, or as they call it Extreme West Southall.”

Next story ›