Daily Mash buys Financial Times

THE Daily Mash has confirmed it has bought the Financial Times for £1.2bn.

The website’s chief executive Tom Logan said the respected business newspaper was an ‘obvious fit’ and that the company had ‘exciting plans’ for its new acquisition.

He added: “We’re going to change the name of it to ‘The Paper for Twats’.”

Under the terms of the deal the FT will move from its current offices in central London to the Daily Mash’s new, multi-million pound HQ near Stroud, complete with a funky, organic canteen and huge quantities of diazepam.

Logan also revealed that the deal has been funded by a group of investment banks who had been told ‘some fairly massive lies’.

“People who work in finance really are a bunch of fucking idiots. No wonder they all read the Financial Times.”

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‘Contactless’ depriving shop staff of deliciously awkward PIN wait

RETAIL staff have complained that contactless payment means they no longer get to stare intensely at customers while their card goes through.

Nikki Hollis, who works in a garage, said: “The only good bit about this job was messing with people’s heads in that seemingly endless few seconds between PIN entry and PIN acceptance.

“They would look at me, I would look at them, they would look at the floor.

“Sometimes they would say something about the weather, which I would ignore. Then they start to shuffle uneasily, at that moment they want nothing more in the world than to take their Ginster’s product and flee into the night.

“About a third of the time I would pretend something was wrong with the machine, just to make them do it again.

“The rest of this job is shit, but for those few seconds I was a minor god.”

A CBI spokesman said: “Soon your debit card will be a miniature drone which flies out of the window at night and makes aspirational purchases of Japanese denim and French horns.  

“Look at your own payment history. Are you honestly saying we couldn’t spend it better?”