Buckingham Palace gift incinerator at maximum capacity

THE Royal gift incinerator is working at maximum capacity, it has been confirmed.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said: “Hand-made cards done by crayon-wielding idiots, boxes of plebby chocolates, crummy garage flowers…

“It’s going to take years to burn all this stuff, with a team of nine gift-cremators working around the clock.

“That’s not to say the royal family don’t appreciate getting these presents. They use the energy to heat the palace.”

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Teenager's radical political views fail to include bothering to vote

A TEENAGER who believes politics needs a radical shake-up by his generation is less interested in the boring bits like actually voting.

18-year-old Martin Bishop is passionate about the environment and the way his parents have “fucked things up”, but does not fancy spending several minutes on the internet filling in a form.

Bishop said: “We need a totally new way of doing things, like sharing out the money equally and stopping everyone destroying the planet. I’ve given it a lot of thought.

“But I reckon we can do it without shit like ‘registering to vote’. Yeah, right, like I’m going to give my details to the authorities so they can use cyber-surveillance on me.

“I’m fucked if I’m going to obey the rules and vote at my old school anyway. Education’s just about keeping the masses docile and it’s up a pretty steep hill.

“Also schools bring back unpleasant memories of my sixth-form tutor finally snapping and calling me a ‘lazy twat’. Fascist.”

Bishop is currently fighting for change by surfing political sites on the internet, although does not realise most of them are just conspiracy bollocks about the ‘New World Order’.  

He added: “Every generation needs its dreamers and I’m one of them. I got up at 2pm today.”