How to pretend you haven't farted

DO you sometimes let slip a vile fart in the office or other embarrassing situation? Here’s how to get away with it.

Shift the blame
If you’ve done a silent fart at work, give someone else in the room a look of disgust. If you always pick on the same person everyone will soon believe they have a flatulence problem. Harsh if they get the nickname ‘Farty Sue’, but at least they’re not blaming you.

Cause a huge distraction
Angrily start swearing about something unspecified. Colleagues will be so scared the fart may go unnoticed. If you’re in a car, start shouting madly about something – eg. “WHO WANTS TO LISTEN TO HEART FM?” – while surreptitiously winding down the window.

Act as if the person who smelt it is mental
If someone asks “Have you farted?” say no and look at them like they’ve lost the plot. If they don’t look convinced just tell them that phantom smells are often the first sign of a brain tumour.

Say you’re a vegan
If there’s nothing else to do but admit it was you, tell them you eat a high fibre vegetable-based diet because eating animals is a form of genocide. They’ll quickly leave you alone.

Class will always remember shit teacher who let them do anything

A SECONDARY school class has tearfully confessed they will never forget Mr Logan, the shit teacher who let them do whatever they wanted.

Class 5KQ will have happy memories of their schooldays when they leave, but mainly due to Mr Logan’s geography lessons where they were allowed to do fuck all and act like twats.

Pupil Nikki Hollis said: “I’ll always remember the friends I made, the laughs I had, the texts I sent, all under the benevolent, lax smile of Mr Logan as he pretended not to notice Liam punching Gavin.

“I’ve learned everything here. The value of friendship, the price of an eighth of weed, that Emma Bradford did it with Steve Malley on the rugby pitch after last year’s prom. It’s been magical.

“The only thing I haven’t learned is much geography, which I will definitely fail. But everyone knows you don’t really need qualifications.

“I’ll never forget you, Mr Logan. You were my best teacher. Thanks for not even trying.”

Teacher Tom Logan said: “Geography’s quite easy so enough of them should scrape through. They’ve had a doss and I’ve been able to do my internet banking. It’s win win.”