Your guide to pretending you haven’t farted

DO you sometimes let slip a vile fart in the office or other embarrassing situation? Here’s how to get away with it.

Shift the blame

If you’ve done a silent fart at work, give someone else in the room a look of disgust. If you always pick on the same person everyone will soon believe they have a flatulence problem. Harsh if they get the nickname ‘Farty Sue’, but at least they’re not blaming you.

Cause a huge distraction

Angrily start swearing about something unspecified. Colleagues will be so scared the fart may go unnoticed. If you’re in a car, start blathering madly about something – eg. “WHO WANTS TO LISTEN TO HEART FM?” – while surreptitiously winding down the window.

Blame your dog

The classic excuse, whether you’re at home or in the Post Office. If you’re a regular farter it’s worth considering getting a small, portable doggie for this very purpose.

Act as if the person who smelt it is mental

If someone asks “Have you farted?” say no and look at them like they’ve lost the plot. If they don’t look convinced just tell them that phantom smells are often the first sign of a brain tumour.

Say you’re a vegan

If there’s nothing else to do but admit it was you, tell them you eat a high fibre vegetable-based diet because eating animals is a form of genocide. They’ll quickly leave you alone.