Sean Lennon and James McCartney, and other nepo babies you're delighted to see fail

THE children of two of The Beatles have released a terrible, insipid single together. Which other nepo-babies are busily ruining their parents’ good names?

Sean Lennon and James McCartney

If you were the offspring of two of the greatest musicians the world has ever produced, would you get together and release a shit, whimsical single about lying around on Primrose Hill? Well, given that you’d have grown up with immense wealth and privilege and therefore have a staggering lack of self-awareness, yes, you probably would. And, as these two have proved, it would be utter rubbish.

Clara McGregor

No doubt Clara McGregor is a delightful person, but you can’t help but hate her a little bit for starring in a film with her incredibly famous father Ewan. Presumably this vanity project was intended to give her acting career a bit of a boost, but it has been mauled by critics so it may have had the opposite effect. Luckily Ewan’s career is bulletproof by this stage, which is just as well because no one ever expected a show about Obi-Wan Kenobi would suck balls.

Brooklyn Beckham

Whether he’s releasing a book of godawful photos or being so bad at acting that he was cut from his wife’s film even before it was completely panned, there seems to be nothing the fruit of Victoria and David’s loins can do. But then, having been mega-rich and famous since the moment of conception, there isn’t really anything he needs to be able to do. Maybe he’ll make an excellent stay-at-home dad someday. Or think the dishwasher is a compact ‘toddler shower’. Who knows?

Lily-Rose Depp

Her dead-eyed Keith Richards wannabe father has not fared well of late, and nor has the career of Lily-Rose. Her recent show The Idol was named by many people as the worst they had ever seen, and was basically one long boring sex scene between her and The Weeknd. It’s wrong to dislike people because you think their dad is a bit of a prick, but on top of that Lily-Rose always has an expression like she’s chewing a wasp so it’s quite hard not to take against her.

Lily Collins

Another Lily, this time the daughter of MOR rock singer Phil. He wasn’t great at acting, as the film Buster clearly demonstrates, but that doesn’t mean Lily should be tarred with the same talentless brush. However, because the show she is most well-known for is the buttock-shrivellingly twee and irritating Emily In Paris, it’s hard to judge whether she has any acting chops or not. Because you’re too distracted by wanting to punch her in the face.

Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus is the daughter of Billy Ray, who ruined 1992 by inflicting twangy country nightmare Achy Breaky Heart on the world. And she is the god-daughter of Dolly Parton who is beloved by everyone, and rightfully so. It’s a bit of a stretch to claim Miley is in any way failing, but she is responsible for Wrecking Ball, one of the worst songs ever, so she’s certainly had a bit of a dip. If you’ve never seen the video which features her licking a sledgehammer and swinging around naked on – you’ve guessed it – a wrecking ball, don’t bother. It’s not worth the PTSD.

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A man's guide to reacting to criticism of Sydney Sweeney as if she's your girlfriend

A HOLLYWOOD producer has claimed Sydney Sweeney is ‘not pretty and can’t act’. This is obviously a disgusting lie, so here’s how to react like a besotted male.

Take it way too personally

The evil person who criticised Sydney was Carol Baum, a film producer and lecturer. Furiously ask if Ms Baum has been cast as any sexy superheroes recently. What a surprise – she hasn’t. Admittedly it’s not her job and she’s 81, but you’ve made your point. To random people on the internet, anyway.

Prove Sydney is pretty scientifically

Okay, you’re not going to get a research grant for this and it won’t be published in Nature, but a survey of your male friends should do it. ‘Would you shag Sydney Sweeney?’ is a pretty unbiased question, and you can expect a 90 per cent positive response. The ten per cent discrepancy can be explained by your gay friend Mike, and Rob who claims he wouldn’t cheat on his partner Clare, but he’s a f**king liar.

Have psychotic Twitter arguments

You can guarantee there are mental Sydney haters on the internet, either loser incels or vile teenage girls. Send them death threats, or tastelessly hope they die from cancer. You may feel wronged, but it’s important to observe proper Twitter etiquette. 

Collect evidence of Sydney’s acting

Sydney can act, perhaps not at a Meryl Streep level, but it’s definitely acting. You can find many examples by watching her teen drama Euphoria. It’s f**king punishing viewing due to being about shrieking/screaming/crying teenage girls having drug problems and mental breakdowns, so in the unlikely event of ever meeting Sydney you could legitimately ask her to be your girlfriend because she owes you.

Highlight her skill at wearing the Spider-Woman costume

That costume is pretty unforgiving and most people would look dreadful in it. So that’s one area in which Sydney is superior to so-called acting ‘greats’ like Al Pacino, Jodie Foster and Sir Ian McKellen. 

Have clearly have spent far too much time thinking about it 

Explain in creepy detail why Sydney is attractive, eg. ‘I’ll concede she doesn’t have the highly-defined features of a former model such as Milla Jovovich, but she can be bracketed with contemporaries such as Emma Stone, Florence Pugh and Scarlett Johansson in terms of beauty. She may lack the iconic status of a Jenny Agutter, but this is ultimately a subjective judgement.’ No one will argue with this and, if female, may well run off.

Point out she was ill-served by Madame Web

Actually a fair point. At least Dakota Johnson’s dialogue was amusingly awful, eg. ‘How would you know if you could climb a wall if you’ve never tried?’ Sydney was left with clunky plot-clarifying lines like: ‘You saved my stepmother, then you were super-awkward about it.’ Sydney stoically just says the words with a slightly confused look on her face. That’s true professionalism.

Be utterly crushed when you discover she’s got a fiance

Try not to cry when you eventually discover Sydney is engaged to businessman Jonathan Davino. The fact that she’s settling down forever with a rich, good-looking guy thousands of miles away is a bit of an obstacle to her being your girlfriend, but once you’ve recovered from the initial shock just tell yourself all couples go through their rough patches.