Seven downsides to shagging Tom Cruise

TOM Cruise is just good friends with former squeeze Hayley Atwell, four weeks before their new film comes out. So should you shag Hollywood’s most questionable bachelor? 

He remains short

The master of live-action stuntwork he may be, but he’s also a shortarse. It needn’t be a relationship deal-breaker, but be aware all his homes are built to scale and he has a three-quarter size red convertible like Stuart Little.

The Scientology

Most girlfriends don’t have to play along with their partner’s belief that they’re a reincarnated Thetan brought to Earth by Xenu, ruler of the Galactic Confederacy. It’s like being in Doctor Who every day, albeit one of the shit ones.


Married, a father, a string of girlfriends from Cher to Penelope Cruz, so why do the rumours persist? Is it possible to be so deep in the closet you’re indistinguishable from straight? Is it just a weird but harmless boyfriend interest like World War Two or wrestling?

He might jump on a sofa

There isn’t really a circumstance where someone’s so pleased they’re shagging you they jump up and down on a sofa that works. It’s an odd way to show enthusiasm for having sex with a woman. It would be less embarrassing if he was in the local paper for wanking in pet shops.

His age

60-year-old Tom looks buff, but allegedly wore a corset while getting married to Katie Holmes. God knows how these things work, but it’s possible that once released from his girdle Tom will expand outward like a life-raft and resemble Eric Cartman.

The shit films

Mainly they’re alright. But artsy sword-and-sorcery movie Legend was miscast, playing a Vietnam vet in a wheelchair was an Oscar-grab and Days of Thunder f**king sucked. And Tom Cruise does seem the kind of guy who likes to spend a quiet night in watching a Tom Cruise film.

The slim chance of a deal with the Devil

Tom looks remarkably youthful and is still cranking out hit movies four decades in, so a deal with Satan seems safe to assume. This is his problem, not yours. Make sure you’re out when Lucifer calls. At the first whiff of sulphur say you’ve got to pop out to the 24-hour garage for an onion.

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Holidaying couple hoping their dog will forgive them

A COUPLE have spent the majority of their holiday fretting about their dog’s mood after abandoning him to kennels.

Nikki Hollis and Nathan Muir had barely landed in Morocco when they began anxiously discussing the mental state of border collie Toby and whether he felt utterly betrayed by those he loves most.

Hollis said: “I just had this passing anxiety that his last, reproachful glance meant that we had sentenced him to a fortnight in hell just because we selfishly wanted a bit of sun.

“I mentioned it to Nate and it sent us into a spiral of terror about how it might change things forever between us, even though it’s the fanciest kennels available. What if the other dogs bully him for being nouveau riche?”

Muir agreed: “They might not follow his nap routine right or know when he likes to be tickled or understand when he wants to be sung to. How could we do this? He’ll hold this against us for months. Years.

“Rightly so. Yes, he might be a dog, but surely we’re the beasts.”