Saturday, 8th May 2021

Six alternatives to a Gwyneth Paltrow vagina-scented candle

DESPERATE for your house to smell like Hollywood pussy but can’t afford £58 for Gwyneth Paltrow’s signature product? Try these budget options: 

Go bottomless around the house, invite friends with vaginas around to do the same, turn up the heating and watch a montage of Paltrow’s classic movies Shakespeare In Love and Iron Man 3. 

Get a bundle of Gwyneth Paltrow’s used underwear by writing to any tabloid, they collect this stuff as standard and need the space, and sew it into an attractive scatter cushion.

Search YouTube for a clip of Chris Martin describing his former wife’s quim aroma – he probably did, they were that kind of couple – and recreate it using flowers and herbs from the garden collected in a jam-jar.

Settle for second-best by buying a Hilary Swank vagina-scented candle at The Perfume Shop, located in any nondescript shopping mall, town centre or retail park.

Simply shag a candle while pretending to be the Sliding Doors star. Warning: women only. Ballsweat candles are not yet a thing.

Equip a red-carpet paparazzi with a special camera of your own invention that can ‘photograph’ fragrances. Develop the ‘photograph’ of Paltrow’s private area into one of those classy reed diffusers for the downstairs bathroom.

Don’t buy a celebrity fanny-flavoured candle. Instead, contemplate the state society must be in for them to exist, with reference to the last days of the Roman Empire.