Six humiliating celebrity cash-ins, ranked

JUST because you’re rich and famous doesn’t mean you cease to be greedy or cheap. These demeaning celebrity attempts to cash in on their fame are tragic: 

6. Kevin Bacon’s EE ads

Despite the undoubtedly massive fee, a bit of a comedown for the once-huge star of Footloose and Tremors. The true horror lies in the fact that the ads don’t even inspire contempt, they’re just an ever-present minor irritation, like a stain on a carpet you wish wasn’t there but it’s behind the sofa so it doesn’t really matter. It’s like seeing Richard Burton pretending to have a genuine passion for Toilet Duck and feeling sad.  

5. Catherine Tyldesley’s birthday 

Former Coronation Street actress Catherine is a client of a PR agency who asked a bakery for a cake and 100 cupcakes for her birthday, payment being the resultant publicity. In fairness, Tyldesley said she had ‘no idea’ the emails had been sent and PR agencies tend to be staffed by insane blonde women. But the question remains: how f**king low is the celebrity bar set if being in Corrie in 2018 counts as ‘fame’? Other largely forgotten celebrities take note. MC Tunes’ birthday must be worth at least a couple of vanilla slices.

4. Anthea Turner’s Cadbury’s wedding

Anthea’s (probably true) account is that she sold the rights to her wedding to OK! magazine for £120,000, not knowing they had a deal with Cadbury. She and Grant Bovey were then snapped eating Cadbury’s Snowflakes, so Britain’s tabloids decided she was a cheap, money-grubbing whore and destroyed her career. Rather unfair when all she’d done was accept a tacky deal, not taken a shit on Tracy Island live on Blue Peter. Although that would have been excellent.

3. David Cameron’s memoirs

David Cameron is a prick, and his life is extremely predictable and well-known: Eton, doing public relations for ITV, experimenting with cannabis, huskies, etc. You’d actually have to be f**king deranged to want to read all this again, so to pretend For The Record (shit title) is a worthwhile book people intend to buy is a truly pathetic lie. The only interesting thing about Cameron is that he’s much more of a bastard than he lets on, and somehow we doubt he mentions that.

2. Gwyneth Paltrow’s vibrator

After the vag candles and love eggs, you may as well complete the range with the Goop Double-Sided Wand Vibrator. But as with all celeb sex toys – everyone from Dakota Johnson to Lily Allen has dabbled – you are basically saying: ‘Imagine me sticking this up my fanny.’ There are many demeaning jobs, from cleaning railway station toilets to being Sid Little, but none of them involves inviting every pervert in the world to imagine your genitals.

1. Farage’s Cameo videos

Easily the most humiliating, due to the gulf between Nigel’s belief that he’s a historically significant politician and churning out inane birthday greetings to people called Gav. While £70 a pop is a nice little earner if he gets through them quickly enough, he’s still got the rigmarole of setting the mic up, going through hundreds of emails, re-recording them when he’s fluffed someone’s name, etc. You didn’t see Winston Churchill doing birthday greetings for £1 a go in 1946, did you, Nigel? No, because despite Winnie’s faults, he wasn’t an enormous twat.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

A step towards totalitarianism, and other things nutters think ULEZ will mean

NUTJOBS think ULEZ is coming to enslave and impoverish them, not make the air quality a bit better. Here are the fears of the ones who’ve really lost it:

It’s a tax on white van man

Lairy blokes in fume-belching white vans are the backbone of our society. If they’re forced into driving electric vehicles, where will the woke madness end? Will they have to wear dresses and do drag queen storytimes? White van men care deeply about kiddies when paedos are involved, but strangely they’re not fussed if they can’t breathe due to pollution.

Low Traffic Neighbourhoods are one step from totalitarian control

ULEZ and LTNs are another step on the road to an Orwellian nightmare. You really expect me to believe that having less cars makes our streets safer and decreases road deaths? It actually just makes it harder to escape when the government death squads come to put us all in camps. You are so naive.

Public floggings if you visit the retail park

Instead of constantly driving everywhere, would I prefer something like the ’15-minute city’ concept, with more amenities within a 15-minute walk of my house? F**k off. What I want is the freedom to sit in a traffic jam on the ring road for 40 minutes while trying to get to the faceless retail park on the outskirts of town. They’ll reintroduce corporal punishment for leaving your 15-minute neighbourhood, you mark my words.

It’s all part of the mass surveillance plan started by the Covid-19 hoax

ULEZ is obviously all part of a plan by the shadowy World Economic Forum to create a cashless mass surveillance society, which started with the Covid hoax and will end in the Great Reset when Klaus Schwab repossesses your house. Making some high streets pedestrianised is definitely a sinister staging post on the journey. Wake up, sheeple.

If I can’t drive two minutes to Tesco all the time my life will be ruined

As well as all of the above, I’m a lazy bastard with a weird emotional attachment to my car, and if I’m forced to walk ten minutes to Tesco rather than drive for two, I might get a bit tired. But mainly it’s because ULEZ is a slippery slope into dictatorship, and not because I get out of breath if I walk down a flight of stairs.