WITH Hollywood actors going on strike, hard-up A-listers will have to find other ways of making money. Expect to see them taking on these jobs.
Margot Robbie serving pints
Former Clapham resident Robbie will have no problem pulling pints in grim British pubs, apart from being on the receiving end of 10,000 lame chat-ups like ‘D’you live locally then, love?’ every shift. Do her a favour though, and don’t mention box office flop Babylon when she serves you.
Woody Harrelson driving an Uber
If there’s anyone who can get you from A to B, it’s gruff Hollywood madman Woody Harrelson. You’ll feel like you’re in your very own movie as he swerves through lanes of traffic and takes a shortcut down a route that isn’t on Google Maps. Being the maverick that he is, he probably uses Waze. ‘It’s better because it uses real-time data,’ he’ll growl.
Emily Blunt stacking shelves
Play it cool when you go to pick up some beans and clock Emily Blunt arranging the tins of chopped tomatoes. Her presence is a reminder of the fickle blessings of fame. You could be just like her one day, not by starring in blockbusters like A Quiet Place and Oppenheimer, by working in Asda. Give her a respectful nod, then quietly move on.
Timothée Chalamet in CEX
This will be a bizarre living nightmare for the star of so many massive films. Imagine how soul-crushing it must be to see shelf upon shelf of your creative output on sale for a quid, your bland, beautiful face looking back at you from the DVD covers. And he’ll only be getting £10.42 an hour. Pray the strike ends soon, for his sake.
Florence Pugh doing data entry
That can’t be her, everyone in the office will whisper. But no, sure enough, there she is. Florence Pugh, dutifully filling in an Excel spreadsheet. She appears to know all the formulas and everything. ‘I’m not researching a role about a sad but sexy office worker,’ she’ll tell you in the kitchen. ‘I just got my electricity bill and need the cash.’
Tom Cruise recording Cameos
The Mission Impossible star won’t be fazed by a little actors’ strike. He got through the pandemic so he can get through this, and he’ll do it by recording 30-second videos you can buy for £40 a pop, eg. ‘Hi, Iain from Shrewbury, you’re my wing man, not my rain man!’ It might sound expensive, but Tom will say your name as if he knows you. You can’t put a price on that.
