QUEEN Elizabeth II, it was revealed yesterday, is exempt from laws by which we plebs must abide. Here are just a few:
Smoke weed in church
The Queen is renowned for being easily bored by any non-horse-related activity. She is required to spend a good deal of her working life staring into space from a pew while an Archbishop drones monotonously into the rafters. And so it was that in 1967 she requested, and was granted, dispensation to roll up a big fat blunt to take the edge off the tedium.
Hold courtier fights for the amusement of her family
The police have been under instructions since 1972 not to interfere with the Queen’s annual pre-Christmas ritual. On December 24th, a ring is set up in the state banqueting room and courtiers are made to fight for the entertainment of the closest members of the Royal Family. As her Majesty’s physical health has declined recent years, Prince Charles has taken responsibility for refereeing.
Rob a bank
Due to her mother’s runaway overdraft, the Queen requested special dispensation to walk into any high street bank, wearing a mask to conceal her identity, and demand that clerks hand over large cash sums, using the code words ‘Stick one’s hands up’. A Palace spokesman said that the Queen had taken advantage of this loophole ‘fewer than a dozen times’.
Twat a swan
Swans are aggressive bastards that will attack you if you get near them but, as they are a protected species, you cannot attack them back. The Queen is immune to this law, which means if one hisses at her or flaps its wings angrily, she can give it a good, hard punch in the beak to put it back in its place. And if it’s really naughty, she can eat it.
Kick a serving Prime Minister in the genital area
The Queen is obliged to grant a weekly audience to the Prime Minister and, while she cannot veto any decisions made by the government, since 1962 she has been granted special permission to boot in the genital area any PM she finds vexing. Tony Blair is said to be the most frequent recipient, having been kicked in the bollocks 22 times, though Boris Johnson had already racked up 21 punts to the gonads by the time his much shorter tenure came to an end.