Sorry, we're full, UK tells Corden

JAMES Corden has been told he cannot return to the UK because the country is full, it has emerged.

The Late Late Show host has been informed he will be unable to move back because there is physically not enough space and he could be a burden on public services.

Joseph Turner from Folkestone said: “My heart goes out to anyone trying to come over here and start a new life. However when it comes to Corden we need to get tough on immigration.

“We’re packed in like sardines already. Well, I’m so not, there’s loads of space round here. I’m just thinking of the impact of an influx of Cordens on other places. And how can we be sure he’ll integrate into the British way of life? 

“If we let Corden in then we might have to boot out a tax-paying family who didn’t inflict Carpool Karaoke on the world. Which I think you’d agree is pretty unfair.”

Dover resident Mary Fisher said: “I know we’ve given Priti Patel flak over the years, but if she can prevent James Corden from setting foot on British soil then I think the public would be willing to wipe the slate clean.

“If he somehow got in then everyone would flock to the beaches in a chaotic exodus. It would be like Dunkirk in reverse.”

In between deafening bursts of irritating laughter, Corden said: “I’m originally from the UK, so I know it’s full. Full of people who love me, right? Right?”

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Starmer and Rayner are definitely doing it, by an anonymous Tory source

THAT Keir Starmer? And that Angela Rayner? At it like knives. Well they must be, it’s the only explanation that makes any sense. Let me walk you through it:

They’re always together

Doesn’t matter if it’s on stage at the Labour party conference or on the front benches of the Commons, they’re always together. It’s like they’re joined at the hip. Which they are except not quite the hip – lower down. By which I mean their genitalia.

She was at his lockdown party

Starmer’s Durham lockdown beer bacchanalia is the stuff of legend. It makes Freddie Mercury’s six-day sex orgies look tame. No holds were barred and everybody got nasty. Rumour is they did it on a table while everyone cheered. There’s no evidence for this because they destroyed it. Obviously.

You never see his wife

Carrie Johnson? Out front mate. At the parties, picking the wallpaper, pumping out kids. Starmer’s wife? You never see her. Or Rayner’s bloke if she’s even got one. Probably they’re both locked in attics going insane while those two get it on. We should order a judge-led inquiry.

It’s only natural

As Boris Johnson well knows, a man can’t spend time with a woman without shagging happening. That’s natural from when we were cavemen and I should know, I’ve done the paleo diet. So if he’s not doing her that’s actually more suspicious and bars him from becoming prime minister.

The council elections are next week

The f**king council elections are next week and we’re going to get battered because of Partygate, even though voters are under strict instructions to only consider local issues and not think about Downing Street. At risk of sounding cynical, it’s incredibly lucky for us Rayner and Starmer are at it like bunnies right now. Which they are. Definitely.