Get exactly seven hours sleep: Six great pieces of patronising advice for middle aged people

MIDDLE-AGED people must get seven hours sleep, research has found. So that’s another bloody thing to worry about, along with mysterious clothing shrinkage. Here’s some more advice that can f**k off.

Always get seven hours sleep 

Luckily there’s nothing to interfere with this, because who ever heard of middle aged people having kids? Even if you’re spawn-free, you’ll lie awake worrying about the brain damage it’s causing. Soon the 3am paranoia will take over and you’ll imagine you’re just days from becoming a wizened husk in a wheelchair, like Davros.

You need to take care of your health

This assumes you haven’t noticed the bleeding obvious: you are unappealingly rotund, worryingly unfit, and not banging any svelte 20-somethings. Also it would actually be quite impressive if you’d managed to miss countless public health campaigns and worry about not having enough alcohol in your diet. 

Do all the things you’ve wanted to

Twats who say this always have a pitiful lack of ambition – it’s things like doing shit watercolours or visiting Scotland. What you really want to do is snort a Tony Montana-sized pile of coke every night, hunt a velociraptor and have its head on the wall, and shag the young Honor Blackman. Confronted with worthwhile projects like these, advice is strangely unforthcoming.

You need to sort out the right pension

Well durr. If you had loads of money and a secure job you’d already have a tippy-top pension. The reason you haven’t is probably that you’re still skint and thinking about the future brings you out in a cold sweat. Incidentally, if someone keeps pestering you about pensions, bite the bullet, actually get one, then tell them about it in extreme detail. They’ll regret trying to look mature after ten minutes of you droning on about the benefits of index-linked.

Take stock of what you’ve achieved and be proud

Ominously, this is touted as a cure for a midlife crisis. Basically you have to downscale your ambitions and feel really good about bog-standard achievements, eg. owning a car or your kids not being in prison. It smacks of self-delusion, although you shouldn’t waste your life on unrealistic goals either. ‘Being Han Solo’ was always fraught with problems.

It’s never too early to plan for your funeral 

This is just taking the piss. No one plans 40 years ahead. And even at four quid a month the promise of owning a plush box to decompose in isn’t the greatest motivator. They should at least let you get your money’s worth by spending the odd night in your coffin while you’re alive, but apparently that’s ‘weird’.

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The sensible liberal's guide to protesting without causing the slightest inconvenience

WE all want a better world. But we must strive for it without upsetting older, wealthier, whiter people, or indeed anyone at all. Here is the sensible liberal’s guide to protest.

Protesting against fossil fuels

Don’t detract from your cause by inconveniencing workers – nurses, plumbers, management consultants, estate agents, anyone with a car, really. Do the responsible thing and start an online petition or write to your MP. Or simply listen to a Sting record. You’ll be amazed at the results, eg. an irrelevant standard letter asking you to vote Tory.

Decriminalising drugs

It’s the only sane and non-hypocritical policy. But with local elections coming up don’t rock the boat by actually advocating it. This could upset pensioners with no interest in drugs. Instead do your bit by helping the Labour Party, the only alternative, by visiting their website and buying a Tougher Jail Sentences For Cannabis Users mug.

Fair and decent treatment for migrants

Immigration has always been a boost to our culture and prosperity. But racists make a big contribution too, buying tabloid newspapers, starting ‘lively’ debates in pubs, joining the police. So we believe in mass deportations, but not calling people nasty things like ‘terrorist’. You can’t say fairer than that. 

Strike action

By all means support the rights of workers to withdraw their labour. But they shouldn’t do it when people are going to work. You’ll get no sympathy for your cause that way! Instead, strike between 3 and 5am on a Sunday. You’ll make your point and keep the public onside because they won’t have noticed a thing.

Tackling climate change

We must stop climate change. But what about people who like climate change because it annoys the libs and gives them a right-wing cause to cheer along to? Don’t they have a right to be suicidal bastards who’ll kill us all out of childish spite? We say: let’s make climate change irreversible by 2035 instead of 2030. That’s five whole extra years. What more do you hippy bastards want?