'Stop showing off you little bastard': A lip reader reveals the charming royal chatter

THE media have taken to using lip readers to discover what the royals are saying from a distance. Here Nikki Hollis explains what was said on the Buckingham Palace balcony.

‘Stop showing off you little bastard’

Although the press loved Prince Louis’s antics, it seems the Queen was less enthusiastic. After this playful admonishment, the Monarch says to mum Kate, ‘Get the spoilt shit under control or he’s going off that f**king ledge.’

‘Planning to go on forever, you old bat?’

This teasing quip from Charles to the Queen refers to her apparent refusal to give up the throne. Showing her famous sense of humour, quick as a flash the Queen replies: ‘F**k off.’

‘You’ve seen one f**king flypast, you’ve seen them all’

The Queen reminds everyone of her long service attending ceremonial events, revealing she has got headphones in and is listening to a podcast about horses.

‘Covid, how very convenient. Riddled with bloody syphilis, more likely’

This comment from Prince Charles undoubtedly refers to Prince Andrew being diagnosed with Covid and unable to attend Jubilee events. It’s touching to see Charles so concerned about his younger brother’s health.

‘Christ, you look more like a horse with mange every day’

Kate says this to William as they step onto the balcony and face the world’s media. William can be seen to weakly reply: ‘Why must you do this to me?’ 

‘So much for our feud, Daily Mail readers must feel like dicks’

There has been no sign of the supposed bitter feud between William and Harry at the Jubilee, almost as if it was fabricated to sell copies of the Daily Mail. Here Harry jokes about it with his brother, who adds: ‘Yeah, I don’t give a shit about your Netflix stuff, why would I?’ 

‘Shagged any married men recently, Camilla?’

Harry reminds Camilla of her long-standing affair with Prince Charles. ‘Maybe he was just sick of being married to a mental bitch,’ replies the Duchess of Cornwall. Their intimate chat suggests any animosity is long in the past.

‘Meghan, Lady Louise, Kate and the Duchess of Wessex. That’s the order I’d do them in’

Prince Charles takes a moment out from his ceremonial duties to enjoy some laddish banter with Princess Anne’s husband Sir Timothy Laurence. Sir Timothy looks uncomfortable.

‘How’s the head girl bitch today?’ 

Meghan shows her admiration for Kate’s handling of royal duties with the nickname ‘head girl’. ‘Not having a nose job or getting f**ked on a casting coach,’ says Kate. Clearly the two young female royals are great friends and will be enjoying a girls’ gossip later.

‘Will I be allowed to hunt humans one day, Mummy?’

This charming question from Prince George is met with laughter from Kate. ‘Only poor ones, on the secret estate,’ she replies.

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Six ways to let the nation down this weekend

TO you it may just be a four-day bender, but to loyal Britons it’s a magnificent celebration of our beloved monarch. So how will you be letting the kingdom down over the Jubilee weekend? 

Trying to escape overseas

Only a turncoat would leave Britain over the weekend, so it’s good that leaving our borders is currently a more challenging version of Takeshi’s Castle. Flight cancelled on the runway? Serves you right for turning your back on your own country to go somewhere that probably doesn’t even have a proper queen, back-stabber. 

Improvising your own pissed-up toast

Every street party will be raising a glass with a simple ‘God save the Queen’. Don’t stand unsteadily and disrespectfully offer: ‘No listen, seriously, good luck to her. Born into it, they all are, but so what? F**king amazing job. And she was pretty fit back in the day. What? Sorry. Cheers Liz, cheers everyone.’

Feeling uncomfortable belting out Rule Britannia

You gave the national anthem a good go but now your local pub is insisting on the full version of ‘Rule Britannia’. Reading the lyrics from your phone you’re sure ‘More dreadful from each foreign stroke’ sounds a bit Brexity, and it seems to be in favour of other people being slaves. You should be rightly barred for five years.

Vomiting on the Jubilee Line

You were ordered to take your weird cousin to London to watch the pageant on The Mall, but started on the cans at Macclesfield, got lost at Green Park, and ended up barfing M&S gin and tonic and Speckled Hen all over the most sacred of Underground lines. Pray Her Majesty never finds out you soiled yourself at Victoria. 

Not despising Harry and Meghan

You should hate them anyway for general treachery to the Royal Family, but this is the Queen’s weekend, not theirs. They should f**k off home as soon as possible without getting backstage video footage to sell to Netflix. If you say something sickeningly disloyal like ‘He’s probably very happy for his gran’ you have made an enemy of the British people and must now avoid normal society and live in a cave eating beetles.

Being Alan Titchmarsh 

As the world pays its respects it is only natural to show your adulation of the Queen and her family. But don’t be Alan Titchmarsh. There’s a big difference between proud, patriotic admiration and being a slobbering, bootlicking toerag. Take heed, Titchmarsh.