SO, a gaggle of micro-celebs like Prince Harry and Elton John have got the f**king nerve to sue us, the Daily Mail, have they? Let’s find out who these bitter nonentities are.
Liz had her 15 minutes of fame in 1994 for wearing ‘that dress’, and she wasn’t even that popular then. As if Britain’s men would be the slightest bit interested in a gorgeous posh bird with big tits. The very thought is ludicrous.
Since then she’s plummeted into total obscurity, scrabbling around for work as the face of Estee Lauder and only appearing in two Austin Powers films. The public doesn’t care about her, and we at the Mail certainly don’t, apart from eagerly printing every single bikini shot her publicist sends us.
Also she’s 57, way past the official Daily Mail age for women being attractive, and as such should be put down like an old dog.
Sir Elton John
Had a few hits back in the 70s, but is completely unknown in 2023 and these days just tunelessly bashes out ‘Crocodile Rock’ in dingy local pubs before sliding into alcoholic oblivion. Allegedly.
Sir Elton claims someone tapped the landline belonging to himself and his ‘husband’ David Furnish, although everyone’s ramming their homosexuality down your throat these days, so we’d hardly want more of it. We still haven’t got over Channel 4 showing My Beautiful Laundrette.
Baroness Doreen Lawrence
Er, we’re going to skip over her as we’ve just got an email from our lawyer saying we’re deep enough in the shit already.
She claims to be an actress, but all she’s been in is 1994’s Shopping. That’s it. Apart from various other things and an obscure vampire B-movie by Francis Ford Someone.
Sadie’s main claim to fame was being married to Jude Law, another washed-up thespian who is now bald as an egg. What a dreadful couple, and it would have served them right if someone had hired a private investigator and taken an unhinged, stalkerish interest in their divorce. That wasn’t us, by the way. Definitely not us.
We have literally no idea who this minor royal is, so why would we tap his phone? He says he was worried that ex-girlfriend Chelsy Davy would be ‘harassed to death’, but the suggestion that we’d use our army of journalists, freelancers, columnists and lawyers to run a deranged hate campaign against a young woman who’s done nothing wrong is totally implausible.
As far as we can tell, Harry has done nothing with his life. He claims to have been in Afghanistan, but he’s clearly a fantasist with too many Andy McNab books. Disabled due to his hideous ginger hair, Harry clearly craves attention after years of living in the shadow of his more successful, better-looking brother whose wife Kate is perfect in every way.
While we pity him, he cannot blame the Mail for his woes. We are simply pointing out the truth when we explain that Meghan is pure, demonic evil in human form and undoubtedly the spawn of The Horned One, Lucifer, and a cursed talking goat.