Tuesday, 11th May 2021

The Daily Mail guide to what Marcus Rashford is allowed to spend his money on

LOOKING to police the finances of philanthropic footballer Marcus Rashford? Daily Mail editor Nikki Hollis explains what he can invest in: 

Modest terraced homes for close family members

Only those who have inherited weath or earned it decently in finance can buy the kind of homes seen in Sunday supplements. When mere celebrities do it they are violating the unwritten laws of decency, and it’s my duty as a journalist to needlessly speculate about the cash value of their properties.

Food for every single child in Britain

If Marcus was serious about feeding the children of Britain he’d spend every penny of his ludicrous wages Deliveroo-ing food to their front door. Should he actually do this we’ll run a front page on how it was our idea all along while criticising his choice of meals. We’re not racist.

Anti-hypocrisy courses

Don’t you think it’s deeply hypocritical that Marcus is using his own money to buy fancy houses while campaigning for hungry children to be fed? If not, read my piece ‘PROPERTY MOGUL MARCUS WANTS YOUR TAXES FOR HIS VULGAR MANSION’ and try again.

An education in knowing his place

Marcus has unfairly used his social media accounts to force a good, Tory government to U-turn on free school meals so thinks he’s the big I am. He should learn to do something of actual use to the community, like my articles about women half my age pouring their curves into bikinis.

Collectible Diamond Jubilee tribute plates

We ordered a bulk load of this naff tat for a giveaway back in 2012 and it hasn’t shifted. If Marcus gives me a couple grand for it, cash in hand, I’ll call off the baying mob that is our readership with a two-page feature headline about how he’s England’s future.