The dickhead's guide to still worshipping Andrew Tate

DON’T want to stop adoring Andrew Tate even though he’s been arrested yet again? Here’s how to convince yourself the ‘Top G’ is still a great bloke.

Claim it’s a witch hunt

Lazy, unsuccessful people want to bring down Tate because he says that if you’re determined and work hard, you too can be a millionaire. He also said he moved to Romania because they have more lax sex-trafficking laws, but ignore that bit. Especially now his plan has come back to bite him and now he looks like a stupid twat as well as a scumbag.

Support him any way you can

Despite being incredibly wealthy and owning a fleet of luxury cars, the Top G is going to need extra money to help prove his innocence. You’ve already spaffed loads of cash on his Hustlers University, but why not visit his merch website and drop $222 dollars on a set of four mugs with a gold horse on them? That will make you feel better, if you’re an absolute idiot.

Blame Hunter Biden

It’s a bit suspicious that Tate was originally arrested on the same day Hunter Biden pled guilty to federal crimes. It’s clearly misdirection by the US government in an attempt to cover things up. What do you mean it’s unlikely that Joe Biden gives a toss about a gobby, jumped-up influencer with a massively inflated sense of self-importance and a weak chin? He does, and he’s jealous.

Blame Greta Thunberg

Actually, this is fair, as it was Tate getting so triggered by a tweet from Thunberg that he posted a video response accidentally revealing his location to Romanian authorities that led to his arrest. It’s an immense self-own, which, as a Top G acolyte, you are unable to admit, so instead…

Assure yourself that The Matrix is trying to silence him

According to Tate, The Matrix is ‘the systems which are being created by society that are deliberately designed to enslave’. Which is a load of nonsensical gobbledygook, but don’t let that stop you thinking that a man charged with rape and human trafficking is actually a good guy, because otherwise you’re just playing into their powerful, shadowy hands.

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Six sex lessons that can only be taught by jaded dads

PARENTS dread talking to their kids about sex, but world-weary fathers have pearls of wisdom to share. Father-of-three Steve Malley explains: 

The importance of rubbering up

Rolling on a Johnny might interrupt the heat of the moment and render the whole experience sensationless, but it f**king works. You don’t want to take risks in that area. I used to have the motorbike from Top Gun but I sold it to get built-in wardrobes for you lot.

How to go the distance

Sex is a good time, that’s why me and your mum used to do it. And there were only four channels. But you don’t want it to finish before it’s even begun. Draw it out to 15 minutes by focusing on dull stuff like Newsnight and watching a school play. Not the one you were in, your sister’s.

Don’t start talking about it

All these sex columnists are all ‘talk it through, open up, share your fantasies’. They’ve never confessed an interest in a perfectly ordinary sex act and got dumped by text 22 minutes later. Keep it to yourself is my advice. You’re getting a shag so why make waves?

Never suggest a threesome

Seriously, trust me on this. Even if, say, you’re on holiday with your girlfriend and her mate, all on the Sauvignon Blanc and flirting. It doesn’t matter how playfully you suggest a ménage à trois, you’ll still make your mum feel like she isn’t enough. Did I say mum? I meant hypothetical significant other.

Which positions are easiest on the knees

In your twenties you’ll be crazy for new positions, trying them all with gung-ho enthusiasm, but you only have to put your back out once and it’s gone for life. Too many shags on the floor and by your thirties you’ll have the knees of an arthritic septuagenarian. Go easy on yourself and let her hop on top for a bit, or better yet, pop it in while spooning.

Anal’s not all that

It’s all pub bravado, really. Half those lads bragging about it won’t ever have tried it. In reality it’s a few uncomfortable minutes awkwardly rutting in mild discomfort and you never try it again. Not that I’m yucking anyone’s yum though, the gay lads love it and more power to them.