The Patronising Of Susan Boyle Goes Global

QUIRKY Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle is set to be patronised all over the world, it emerged last night.

The brave 47 year-old, who has a lovely voice and a really great personality, even though she is chunky and rather plain looking, has agreed to be hugged by US chat show queen Oprah Winfrey.

But Boyle has been warned that, despite the severely patronising reaction from her UK audience, she may not be ready for the Oprah show, where more than a dozen people have been patronised to death since 1992.

Showbiz insiders say the brave church volunteer is set to make millions after her gutsy performance on Britain Must Be Stopped, which she will probably spend on some frumpy skirts and a cardigan, as well as a nice bit of salmon for Pebbles the cat.

Freak-wrangler Simon Cowell said: "I won't be giving her a makeover, she's financially viable the way she is.

"I think everyone, except me, was amazed she could talk, let alone sing. I just wish I could put her in a wheelchair. Without getting caught."

Amanda Holden, the inflatable judge, said: "Bravo Susan, you've really taught us something very special about what's inside each and every one of us if only we have the courage to dare to dream.

"I just admire you so much for getting out of bed every day and somehow managing to cope with looking like that."

Meanwhile Piers Morgan, the inexplicable judge, added: "I know that Susan claimed she's never been kissed, but does that mean she's a virgin?"

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

NHS To Fund Paddy Field Birthing Pools

THE National Health service is to step-up its drive to encourage home births with the introduction of more than 300 Vietnam-style delivery ponds.

Officials say the move will increase efficiencies without any health risks, stressing a 21st century British hospital, teeming with MRSA and violent drug addicts, is every bit as safe as a dung-strewn farm.

From next January NHS trusts will be assigned 50 acres of local swamp where screaming mothers can heave their newborns into the world before chewing through the umbilical cord in line with best practice.

The strategy is a u-turn for the NHS which had previously dismissed home birthing as the self-indulgent preserve of mung bean-sucking hippies with fewer nerve-endings than brain cells.

An NHS spokesman said: "Research from China and Vietnam has shown that home childbirth is roughly as painful as stepping on an upturned electrical plug.

"Many work camps across East Asia now have vast delivery pens next to the canteen. And let's be honest, the world's not exactly short of Chinamen."

The cash-strapped government believes the initiative could save billions of pounds in maternity payments by classing childbirth as the sick-leave equivalent of a two-day bout of gastric flu.

The spokesman added: "We have looked at a range of international studies, including the latest one from Holland, which found that that home births are both safe and hygenic. Although of course there is no Dutch equivalent of Carlisle."