The seven worst things you're ready to believe about David and Victoria Beckham

A NEW biography of the Beckhams attempts to dish the dirt but manages nothing but rehashing old tabloid stories. A shame, when we’re prepared to believe all this: 

They intended to sell at least one baby

After establishing the Beckham Infants brand with Brooklyn, the other children were bred for sale. Intending to start the bidding at $22 million for Romeo, the scheduled Sotheby’s auction was cancelled after the belated discovery that Kim Jong-il was the highest and only bidder, offering $2 billion.

They drafted Katie and Peter as surrogates

Sick of scrutiny and keen to keep their Satanic orgies away from the press, Posh and Becks hit on the devious plan of creating a couple like them but much worse to take all the tabloid heat. Hypnotising Peter Andre into falling in love with Jordan created the perfect shield at the cost of two ruined lives.

She hasn’t eaten since 1998

Victoria Beckham was always disgusted with herself for consuming food in order to replenish her body’s energy and gave it up in 1998. She died the following year but took it in her stride and returned to life, of a sort, in September 2001 after the enactment of a ritual.

He had more than seven million affairs

During his sexual pomp, between the Treble win of 1999 and leaving for Los Angeles in 2007, David Beckham slept with 7,137,648 women of child-bearing age behind his wife’s back. He sired roughly a million love children, notably including Leo Blair, Phil Foden, Millie Bobby Brown and US rapper Lil Pump.

Posh bullied Baby into seclusion

Ever wonder, when Mels B and C are on Gogglebox, Geri’s trackside at Formula 1 and Victoria’s on Netflix, what happened to Baby Spice? She was bullied out of the public eye by her monstrous bandmate, who pulled her pigtails, locked her in cupboards and addicted her to tranquillisers. Three decades on she’s still afraid to leave the house.

Each one of his tattoos is a trapped human soul

Beginning with his wife and then his children, Beckham began to devour souls in return for dead-ball ability. Every inked image is a human life writhing beneath his skin, begging to escape, damned to hell. And there’s a lot of ink.

They were the sunshine of our lives

The Beckhams left for the US in the summer of 2007. Tony Blair quit that same summer, miserable Gordon Brown replaced him, the world economy collapsed and since then we’ve had Brexit, Trump, Johnson and 14 years of Tory rule. Everything went to shit when they f**ked off. Please come back.

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McKellen to return to stage as McKellen the White

ACTOR Ian McKellen is to return to the West End stage, following a disastrous fall into darkness, purer and more powerful than ever. 

The 85-year-old thespian was rushed to hospital after falling off stage at the Noël Coward theatre, but amazed doctors by making an instantaneous recovery while transmuting to his final and most formidable form.

Ambulance driver Tom Booker said: “It was a standard injured pensioner, 14 hours in the ambulance and 22 on a trolley before being prescribed aspirin and sent home.

“But then, while we sat there, a strange white light enveloped his body and his shabby Falstaff costume transformed into immaculately white robes, which doesn’t usually happen.

“He picked up his staff, muttered something about being the sole emissary of the Valar, hopped out the back door still glowing ethereally and headed purposefully back to the theatre. I reckon he’ll be back on stage tomorrow. Didn’t give us complementary tickets.”

McKellen the White said: “Following my epic battle with gravity and the floor, I have become more wise and powerful than McKellen the Grey ever was, though my knee’s still tricky.

“If you thought I could act before, you ain’t seen nothing yet. I’ll be delivering Shakespearean soliloquies like a mother f**ker and improvising new stuff worthy of the bard himself, all in perfect iambic pentameter.

“I can also control metal like Magneto.”