To be fair you'd cheat on Lily Allen too. By David Harbour

28th October 2025

I SEE Lily has treated the breakdown of our relationship with the respect it deserves, which is to say, by writing a song about my butt plugs. There’s a bit about a vasectomy as well, is there? Great.

I realise you’re only dimly aware of me due to Stranger Things and the aforementioned anal accessories. I am not surprised when people ask: ‘David, how could you possibly cheat on Lily Allen, a top pop star whose last album came out seven years ago and who has a good three songs you’d recognise?’

It is shocking, I know, that I turned to other women when I could have been listening to her singing and opinions all day, every day.

Make no mistake, Lily is totally the victim here, surprised and devastated by me shagging other women after she specifically agreed to it and laid down ground rules. They say I was jealous and threatened by her burgeoning acting career in 2:22 A Ghost Story – no, me neither – but that play was undoubtedly the beginning of a bright career doing Shakespeare and Ibsen, I’m sure.

Lily has every right to be upset. Just like I’m sure her first husband was when she had sex with women and said it didn’t count because they were ladies. Obviously my shenanigans are not excused by the same logic. Or by having to spend Christmas with Keith Allen, which is, frankly, a big ask.

Perhaps Lily could compare notes on being the spurned spouse with Nicole Appleton, having boinked Liam Gallagher on a plane when he was still married to her. Credit to Nicole, whatever pain she felt at being exposed – who by? Was it perhaps Lily herself flogging a book? – she didn’t channel it into an album inexplicably containing reggae.

Yes, I definitely agree we should feel sorry for my ex because of the incessant paparazzi and media attention she’s had over the years. Poor her, having all her personal issues dragged out in public, through no fault of her own. Yet again.

'White people will think they're banned from Tesco': The very real problems of diverse adverts. By Sarah Pochin

28th October 2025

IN classic Reform fashion, MP Sarah Pochin has landed herself in trouble for moaning about ‘adverts full of black people, full of Asian people’. Here she explains the terrible effects of these ads.

The white population could starve

Without adverts targeted at them, white Britons simply won’t know there are supermarkets where they can buy affordable food. Is it a conspiracy by the global liberal elite to starve the white population? I went into Asda the other day and I couldn’t find the eggs, so the evidence is mounting.

White people will think they’re banned from Tesco

When black and Asian people have taken over supermarket adverts, what conclusion are we meant to draw? I’ll tell you: WHITEY ISN’T WELCOME HERE. Yes, white people are banned from supermarkets. Liberals will say that’s a totally unhinged, paranoid interpretation of harmless adverts, but they won’t be laughing when the migrants take over and keep white people as pets!

They’re ruining the adverts we love

The insane quest for diversity is ruining fine old British traditions. ‘Should’ve gone to Specsavers’ is as much a part of our national identity as ‘We shall fight them on the beaches’. Who does not feel a wonderful sense of belonging when singing along to ‘Washing machines live longer with Calgon’? And is our most beloved fictional character not Kevin the Carrot?

Our shops are full

Like Britain itself, our shops are full. Can we really afford to advertise our Tescos to the migrant hordes of the Third World, placing yet more pressure on our already overworked deli counters? I say ‘no’ – not when there’s a big queue for the checkout and you’re already late for the hairdresser’s!

We need to protect indigenous white culture

We indigenous Anglo-Saxons should be proud of our food achievements: Findus Crispy Pancakes, baked beans and pork sausages, Mr Kipling French Fancies. But other races want their own alien supermarket cuisine like 400g jerk chicken portions or Patak’s tikka masala sauce. White children could grow up not knowing what a Bernard Matthews Turkey Drummer is. And that will be a tragedy.

We’ve evolved to be with our own kind of shopper

As a species, humans have evolved to feel more comfortable with people who look like us, and I’m not ashamed to say I prefer adverts featuring my own kind. That’s not being ‘racist’, it’s just evolution warning us of the danger of other tribes who who might steal our new decking from B&Q.

It’s depriving white children of role models

Ethnic minorities have plenty of role models: Daley Thompson, Konnie Huq, Craig Charles. But everyone has forgotten about role models for white children. How can a white child aspire to doing a weekly shop if they don’t see it in an advert? That is the sort of limitless ambition I want my children to have – to be able to go into Asda and buy a jar of Dolmio.