Travis, Taylor and five other American names that aren't names

TAYLOR Swift, whose name is a surname, celebrated her Superbowl LVIII victory with boyfriend Travis Kelce, who has the same problem. These names are not names: 


The fourth most common surname in England is not, therefore, a first name. If a person was named Jones Swift you wouldn’t just accept it, so why this? It becomes ridiculous, especially when Taylor Swift dated Taylor Lautner but they inevitably split and he married Taylor Dome who took his name so now they’re both Taylor Lautner. F**k off with that.


May not be as common a surname but has none of the qualities of a first name. You can’t imagine cooing ‘I’m so glad you’re in my life, Travis,’ even though within six months there will be a song titled that. Even more confusing, Travis Kelce has an American girl’s name as his surname. Thank God he’ll never be famous over here because of his sport.


Oh to be in America and introduced to a man named ‘Carter’. Not just Carter, but something akin to ‘Carter Grawbadger III’. And to ignore all rules of polite society, because America, and say ‘What? Carter? Like Stephen Carter, from school? Who still counted on fingers aged 11 but at least got his names the right way f**king round?’


Come on. Stop pissing about. Your admittedly hot 21-year-old daughter is called Kennedy? First not a name, second not your name, third you do realise there are associations? Of heads exploding in Dallas? Of one of the greatest tragedies ever to befall your country? What’s your son called, Nine-Eleven? He is? Forget I said anything.


Or River, or Sky, or Ocean, or Summer or Autumn or January. These are not names. These are nouns. This is what a 13-year-old girl pretending to have a boyfriend claims he’s called when wildly scanning for inspiration through a bus window. What if your son wants to become a coroner? And you’ve called him Canyon?


In contrast, this is a name that should only be included as the third of four solicitors ie ‘Rayner Campbell Addison Quinn’. To give it to a child is wrong and abusive. If your daughter grows up to become an investment bank you’ve only yourself to blame. Note: Londoners may be thinking of Addison Lee. Nobody else is.


All the others at least are surnames. This one isn’t even a word. It’s a hybrid, two familiar syllables slammed together in the hope it might make sense one day, far into the future. If you are called Colton you are either the hero of a trashy romance novel – possibly a vampire, possibly a private investigator, possibly both – or do not exist. Sorry.

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Woman refuses to acknowledge 'packet' as suitable unit of crisps

A RADICAL non-conformist has asserted that she, and not the arbitrary weight proscribed by a packet, decides when she has had enough crisps. 

Donna Sheridan, aged 23, wants to know who decided something as life-enhancing as salt and malt vinegar McCoys should be restricted to a single 25g serving in a 194mm by 133mm bag, and why society has meekly submitted to this injustice.

She said: “One packet isn’t enough. Two isn’t plenty. I need more of that satisfying crunch followed by monosodium glutamate deliciousness all over my tongue.

“Who decided a tiny packet is the right vessel for our beloved starchy snacks and why is it only half-full? Chicken can come in a bucket, so why not crisps? Who set these laws? How can they be changed?

“I could buy a family bag but I have no family. It’s fine to put them in a bowl for guests, but fill a bowl to get you through an afternoon’s work and you’ll be the subject of the office group chat.

“Sometimes you open a packet and there’s only about five in there. If I tried to sell you nine crisps, you’d tell me to go f**k myself, and you’d be right to. Yet we’re staggering through our one and only lives kept hungry for our birthright of crisps.”

Colleague Joanna Kramer said: “Christ, alright, have my crisps. But you’re getting me more.”