Truss and Charles deserve each other, nation agrees

THE UK has agreed that their idiot free-market zealot prime minister and their spoilt eco-warrior king thoroughly deserve each other’s company.

While agreeing that Charles III had every right to murmur ‘Dear oh dear’ on seeing Liz Truss arrive, members of the public felt she dreaded it equally and with good reason.

Carolyn Ryan of Colchester said: “They both feel entitled to do the most prestigious jobs in the country while being entirely unqualified and they’re both too blind to see it. It’s a match made in hell.

“She’ll blather on about growth and boosting business while failing to comprehend she’s achieving the complete opposite of her goals while he sits impatiently humouring the cretin.

“Then he’ll bang on about climate change and eco-villages while firmly opposing any wind or solar farms on the millions of acres he owns because he likes the countryside, while she sits nodding in incomprehension.

“The pair of them are entirely incapable of recognising any fault in their own visionary brilliance and blame the little people who don’t get it. A perfect meeting of inferior minds.

“They’ll do the same every week until we finally grow the balls to kick them both out. Which will never happen so ultimately it’s our fault, but at least we’re making them suffer each other’s tedious company.”

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Google the number instead of answering it: How to handle phone calls in the modern age

IN the old days, a phone call was a pleasant diversion, but now you’re actively afraid of answering. Here’s how to handle it.

Ignore it

Chances are your phone is on silent, so you might miss it by accident. But if you see a number you don’t recognise, don’t answer, even though there might be an emergency that you need to get to quickly. Ignore it and hope they never, ever ring back. What you don’t know can’t hurt you.

Google the number instead of answering

Okay, so if they do call back, still don’t answer it. Instead, open your laptop and type the number into Google. The chances are 4,000 other people have done the same thing and you find out it’s from a foreign call centre trying to sell you a website for the business you don’t have. Congratulate yourself for not being tricked.

Brace yourself to be scammed

A number keeps calling so you decide to answer in case it’s important. You brace yourself to hear someone trying to scare the living shit out of you by claiming to be HMRC and saying you owe £3,000 in tax and the police are on their way. You answer the call with ‘F**k off, scumbag’, before realising it’s your boss on a different extension.

Block everyone

If you don’t recognise a number, don’t even fanny around googling it, just block it immediately. Yes, you might lose the chance to date that person you tipsily gave your number to and then forgot about it, who could have been your soulmate, but at least you won’t have to risk speaking to a stranger on the phone.

Smash your phone

If you really can’t bear it anymore, just smash up your phone. Most of your communication takes place on Instagram or Facebook nowadays anyway, and you can do that on your laptop. Enjoy the blissful peace of never having to listen to another unsolicited human voice again.