Monday, 19th April 2021

Unclogging the shower drain, and five other things James McAvoy could make sexy

HAVING given all Britain the horn simply by drying a dish on The Great British Bake Off, here are other mundane activities James McAvoy could turn into pure filth:

Unclogging the shower drain

Fishing pubes and lint out of the shower drain doesn’t feature in most erotic fantasies, but in McAvoy’s hands it turns your girlfriend’s knickers to ash faster than Normal People. Even just hearing him say ‘that’s quite a blockage you’ve got there’ would elicit sighs of desperate sexual longing.

Reading out the phone book

The Scottish actor would likely laugh at such a ridiculous prospect, before dutifully getting down to the job at hand and making you yearn for him even more. ‘I didn’t know they still published these things’ he’d joke after a couple of pages, before you ask him to skip to the suggestive names you’ve already highlighted so you can finish yourself off.

Checking a car’s engine oil level

Being overly attentive to your car is often a mood kill, and that’s because you’re not doing it with the cool self-assuredness James McAvoy would bring to the table. Watch and learn as he smoothly removes the dipstick and effortlessly wipes the oil on a cloth that’s coyly hanging out of his back pocket. ‘Everything looks fine’ he’d smile, and he’d be right.

Patiently waiting to cross the road

Your evident frustration at waiting for the little man to turn green isn’t going to seduce anyone. Meanwhile James McAvoy exudes raw animal magnetism simply by standing there thinking about what he’s going to have for lunch. And probably brings traffic to a literal halt with the force of it, the sexy bastard.

Being in f**king X-Men movies

Even among superheroes the X-Men are regarded as pretty damn nerdy, but everyone still watched the Scots heartthrob and not even a skull cap could dent his sex appeal. Admit it, you’d let his Charles Xavier scan your dirty mind with his telepathic powers any day.