We are not interested in touching you, royals told

BRITONS have confirmed that they have no interest in touching the royal family.

After US basketball player LeBron James was accused of breaking protocol by touching Kate Middleton’s shoulders, everyone in Britain confirmed there was no need for such rules.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I don’t go around touching strangers, especially if they look like Prince Philip.

“And if any of them, including the queen, touches me I will punch them in the face.”

Engineer Roy Hobbs said: “I would probably touch Prince Andrew because he looks soft and plump, like a big cushion.”

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Four-year-olds and forty-year-olds so excited about getting bikes for Christmas

PRE-SCHOOL children and men in midlife crisis are unable to stop talking about the bikes they are getting for Christmas.

The small children and fully grown men have reported that they cannot sleep for thinking about their new bikes and have begged to be allowed to go on them before the big day.

Four-year-old Nathan Muir said: “It’s black with orange handlebars and spokes that light up when you go fast. I’m gonna look so cool.

“I can’t wait to ride it all the way down the hill and make all the big boys totally jealous.”

44-year-old Julian Cook said: “It’s a Santa Cruz Tallboy LT frame in tennis yellow with Rockshox forks and seatpost, an SRAM drivechain with a Raceface crankset, and I am going to look so pro.

“I can’t wait to take it up that 25 per cent climb at Great Dun Fell. All the lads in the cycle club will be totally jealous.”

Mother-of-two Eleanor Shaw said: “I’ve got bikes for my son and my husband because I thought they could go out together.

“But my husband won’t because the younger one refuses to use Strava, and my son won’t because his dad refuses to do bunny hops onto the kerb.”