subscribe
/ Sign Out

We ask you: are the courts right to declare it legal to hunt the Duke of Sussex?

A RULING that Prince Harry is entitled to no security while visiting the UK means it is open season for hunters hoping to bag a Royal. Is this fair? 

Martin Bishop, architect: “Serve him right, the f**king ginger crybaby. I hated kids like him at school.”

Denys Finch Hatton, gamekeeper: “Harry won’t last five minutes on open moorland with his flame-red hair. I’d probably let a hedge fund manager get the kill, for a healthy tip.”

Charlotte Phelps, estate agent: “If he’s as rock-hard as he claims, killing 25 Taliban and all that, he’ll put up a f**king tough fight. Like the John Wick sequels only good.”

Susan Traherne, baggage handler: “Imagine the terror of flying into the UK knowing that Piers Morgan’s out there, in the dark. Nursing a grudge. Poised to strike.”

Steve Malley, fusilier: “Has he considered an armoured mech suit?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Man joining in with 'Happy Birthday' unwisely attempts harmony

A MAN joining in with a chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’ has unwisely taken the risk of attempting a harmony, it has emerged.

Stephen Malley and colleagues were singing the celebratory song while presenting a cake to workmate Eleanor Shaw when he decided to go out on a limb and show off his vocal skills, with catastrophic results.

Malley said: “I realised pretty quickly that I had overreached myself, but felt powerless stop the quickly unravelling situation. It was awful, like watching a deer get hit by a train.

“Because I was so sure it was going to work, I committed fully and went really loud on the first line. ‘Happy Birthday’ is theoretically a short song, but singing it feels like trudging across a vast wasteland for hours when you’ve foolishly decided to try the soprano part.

“So we all had to suffer while I attempted to style it out by trying to channel Jennifer Lopez. I even did that thing where you close your eyes and put one finger in your ear. Now I wish I was dead.”

Eleanor Shaw said: “Normally we’d follow it up with ‘For She’s A Jolly Good Fellow’, but everyone felt too embarrassed and ashamed.”

Next story ›