What should I be a pr*ck about next? by Piers Morgan

WHEN you’re a top breakfast TV presenter like me, it’s not always easy to know who or what to pour scorn on next. Here’s how I carefully choose subjects: 

Very obvious targets

I feel I’ve done the world a great service by pointing out that the universally hated paedophile Jeffrey Epstein was a bad person. It’s this kind of fearless investigative journalism that makes me Britain’s moral compass.

Meghan Markle

Did you know I met Meghan Markle once, and we had one chat in a pub, and after that she met Harry and never called me again? And to me that is betrayal of a close friend and I feel just like her father feels, only more so? This one’s from the heart.

Female guests

If a female guest comes on, they may be half-heartedly trying to promote something but really they’re up at 7.15am to flirt. I love a few saucy quips with the likes of Geri Halliwell or Carol Vorderman. GMB viewers definitely like it when I’m creepily coming on to a woman while they’re having their breakfast.

Climate change protesters and vegans

These holier-than-thou f**kwits need taking down a peg or two. That’s not just my opinion – millions of reactionary old b*stards on Twitter agree. Ask yourself, what does Greta Thunberg’s fanatical, dead-eyed stare remind you of? That’s right. A 16-year-old Swedish Adolf Hitler.

Anyone who damages my massive ego

My latest inane Twitter spat is with Ant and Dec. Is it more contrived publicity cr*p or do I genuinely hate them? I’m not even sure myself. All I know is that people pay attention, and without that I am nothing.

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The self-deluding pet owner's guide to thinking they're human

DO you insist on believing your pet has complex thoughts and feelings, like a person? Try these ways of deluding yourself: 

It’s not just about food

When your cat or dog pads eagerly up to you when you come in from work, it’s definitely because they can sense you’ve had a rough day, not because they’re after their next delicious fix of tinned anuses and eyelids.

They understand English 

Properly daft pet owners convince themselves complex sentences like: “Oscar, it is morally wrong to have killed and mutilated that mouse because I bought you the gourmet cat food from Waitrose, but you are lovely and fluffy so, with reservations, I forgive you,” are heard and understood.

They have friends

When your dog is friendly with another dog they meet during walks, it isn’t because they share a canine rapport. They’re discussing territory, swapping tips of which bitches are on heat or instinctively assembling a wolf pack that will bring the humans to their knees.

They agree with you about your ex

When your ex who you now hate vanishes from your life, your pet is on your side. A cocker spaniel called Gavin definitely knew that he was wrong for you, drank too much and was overfriendly with your good-looking friend Kate.

They like being shown your phone

It’s a rare cat or dog that has not appeared on Facebook. However they are uninterested in how many likes their picture receives, and, if their brains were larger than a satsuma or a walnut, would hate you for making them wear a Christmas elf costume.

They love you

Yes, sort of. But will still eat you if necessary.