Sunday, 16th May 2021

What should I be a pr*ck about next? by Piers Morgan

WHEN you’re a top breakfast TV presenter like me, it’s not always easy to know who or what to pour scorn on next. Here’s how I carefully choose subjects: 

Very obvious targets

I feel I’ve done the world a great service by pointing out that the universally hated paedophile Jeffrey Epstein was a bad person. It’s this kind of fearless investigative journalism that makes me Britain’s moral compass.

Meghan Markle

Did you know I met Meghan Markle once, and we had one chat in a pub, and after that she met Harry and never called me again? And to me that is betrayal of a close friend and I feel just like her father feels, only more so? This one’s from the heart.

Female guests

If a female guest comes on, they may be half-heartedly trying to promote something but really they’re up at 7.15am to flirt. I love a few saucy quips with the likes of Geri Halliwell or Carol Vorderman. GMB viewers definitely like it when I’m creepily coming on to a woman while they’re having their breakfast.

Climate change protesters and vegans

These holier-than-thou f**kwits need taking down a peg or two. That’s not just my opinion – millions of reactionary old b*stards on Twitter agree. Ask yourself, what does Greta Thunberg’s fanatical, dead-eyed stare remind you of? That’s right. A 16-year-old Swedish Adolf Hitler.

Anyone who damages my massive ego

My latest inane Twitter spat is with Ant and Dec. Is it more contrived publicity cr*p or do I genuinely hate them? I’m not even sure myself. All I know is that people pay attention, and without that I am nothing.